WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME KNOW? (PRAYERS IN THE DARKNESS)

(This month, as I focus on writing reflections for the Advent season, I will share a few excerpts from my recently published memoir of my time with ovarian cancer in 2015.)

This is a prayerful journal reflection, written on Holy Saturday–the day before Easter–shortly after my diagnosis…

(Holy Saturday – April 4th)

I am anxious and a little (a lot) fearful today. The thought of a possible hysterectomy brings a few concerns. With our upcoming family graduations, I worry about the timing of any procedures. I wonder if this will affect my walking routine. I wonder how my body will feel if organs are removed. The mind travels swiftly to unknown places.

And, in my darkest fleeting moments, I think about more serious issues. I wonder how much life I have left to enjoy, how many moments with Jim and my precious family, how many Christmas celebrations, how many writing opportunities. No one has any guarantees, but times like these show us how fragile we are.

Lying awake in the darkness last night, I thought of Jesus in the deep darkness of the tomb on this Holy Saturday. This day has new significance for me. Right now, I am in the place of dark unknowing, as I await answers and healing. How will this darkness—this liminal space—transform me? Thank you, Jesus, for showing us how wonderfully this does happen, how you were transformed from death to resurrected life. I trust that God still has much for me to do… to learn… to be.

Creator God, found in Jesus in the darkness of the tomb,

I am afraid of the unknown, of what may lie ahead. But I know you love me, and you love my dear family. Help me to cast away my fear and to lean on you. You know this darkness (a thousand times more than I do), for you have experienced the tomb.

Thank you for understanding my anxiety; thank you for forgiving my fear and doubt; thank you for your promise to heal me. Keep me centered in you. Please hold Jim and our family in your loving care in these days ahead. Thank you for the ways you have been teaching and transforming me throughout this life. Continue your work in me. The liminal space has begun—that time between death and resurrection, change and healing.

I wait in the darkness, with you by my side, for tomorrow there will be a resurrection!

(Photo by Karen)

My memoir, What Would You Have Me Know? Contemplation and Companionship in a Time of Cancer is available in paperback or Kindle. During my time with cancer, I deeply sensed God’s loving presence through my prayerful reflections and the kindness of others. I wrote this book as a gift of gratitude to God and the caring people in my life–but I pray that it may also serve as a source of peace and hope for any reader.