8. AN ADVENT AMONG OTHER THINGS: PEACE THROUGH DARKNESS

Friday, December 13th

One morning while journaling early in November, I had a sudden revelation: I am a different person now. Feelings of resignation and apathy overwhelmed me, as I questioned my usual ways of living, and as I wondered if I had made any good differences in the world. The moment was so powerful that I knew I had to withdraw and pay attention…

What has happened to my longtime sense of purpose? What usual ways of living or being do I need to surrender? What might God be calling me to do with this new awareness?

Feeling sad and unsettled, I pulled away from my normal routines and interactions. For a few weeks I read, journaled, prayed, walked, burned candles, left Facebook, and avoided news media. I was desperate to find a sense of peace, a way to quiet my soul, but darkness shadowed my days.

Then one quiet day I decided to have a small retreat. I began reading the book, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter (by Sue Monk Kidd) and journaling my thoughts. The author describes a time when she felt as if she was descending into a dark gorge as she, too, sensed a life-changing perspective and different, deeper purpose. Much of her story resonated with mine, but I was especially surprised to read these excerpts:

Descent is not about finding light but about going into the darkness and befriending it. If we remain there long enough, it takes on its own luminosity. It will reveal everything to us. (page 93)

There is deep wisdom in giving up the fight to make it go away… You are where you are. So be there… Just accept what is and be with it, really be with it, because when you do that, you are being in the moment, in the truth. You are being present as you live your life. (pages 96-97)

These words were exactly what I needed to hear and to hold. I am to stop struggling and searching for answers and instead, simply abide in this darkness and wait for illumination. I can look at this time of unknowing as a gift. The darkness is fertile ground, where new life is stirring within. I must be patient until the time is right, to rest and reflect until this new life is ready to sprout.

And with these new thoughts, the peace of Christ came over me.

If you are experiencing a similar darkness, I pray that you may be filled with the peace of Christ as you await its illumination.

The people who walked in darkness
    have seen a great light;
those who lived in a land of deep darkness—
    on them light has shined.
Isaiah 9:2 (NRSVUE)

(Photo by Karen)