Simply Soul Searching

In his sermon message a few weeks ago, Pr. Mike spoke about the problem of racism in our country. Inviting all of us to grow as followers of Christ, he boldly but lovingly suggested that if we don’t believe we are racist, we may be part of the problem. I sat there thinking about my last few weeks. I had been reading, The New Jim Crow and learning about the systems, the history and the prevalence of racism. I had attended a candlelight vigil after the tragedy in Charlottesville. I am aware that I am still part of racist systems and attitudes, try as I might not to be. And so I gently nodded in agreement with Pr. Mike. At least I was aware that I was, regretfully, racist- and so he wasn’t addressing me.

But then it was as if I heard God say, “Feeling a little smug there, aren’t you, Karen?” It’s like those times when a sibling is being scolded for some wrongdoing. We gleefully stand aside, grateful that we know better, relieved that we are not the ones being reprimanded. But then our parent turns to us and says, “And YOU…” and we discover that we are in trouble for something else!

Racism is ugly. Smugness is not attractive to God, either. If I sit among my friends in faith and believe in some way that I am more aware or understanding, then I am prideful and assuming. If I believe Pr. Mike’s words don’t apply to me, I am short-sighted. Some other definitions of the word, “smug” are self-righteous and arrogant. I don’t see “humble” anywhere in there. Smugness may also lead to complacency. God could easily ask me, “Yes, you are aware of racism but have you done enough to eliminate it- or are you aware of the ways you’re still contributing to it?” That morning in worship was very enlightening and humbling.

Smugness has no place in our lives. Whatever insights we have received we have only received by the grace of God. We may have certain gifts, but we will lack others.  None of us are fully aware or fully perfected. I may understand some things, but I know I am missing out on much more. No one is any better than another- we are all broken- and God loves all of us the same.

When I write, it is comfortable and easy for me to share only the positive thoughts and ideas I have. I can readily write in order to create a positive image of myself, to share my good moments, and to show my love of God. This blog has been on my heart for several weeks, but I have delayed posting it because of my hesitation to share my flaws. It is embarrassing and humbling to publish this… and so for that reason I believe I must.

(Jenny Lake, Grand Tetons)

In these past weeks, the overwhelming sadness and devastation of hurricanes, fires, floods- and now this terrible shooting- have drawn me to my laptop. I needed to write and share words of comfort, words of meaning, but those words haven’t come. I know I’m not alone in feeling this helplessness and despair.

But in recent days I keep having this vision…

Imagine God showing us a “sneak peek” of heaven. We see the most awesome, scenic vista we’ve ever seen. We see our departed loved ones enjoying life together in this wonderful place. (We are even surprised to see some of them- but they now have been transformed by the love of God!) We feel total unity with God, the One who created all of this. We feel completely loved, peaceful, and content. As we look around, we realize how wonderful heaven will be and we’re eager to be part of it.

Then God reveals another smaller part of God’s kingdom. The area is thick and dense with bushes and trees, rocks and walls. Looking closely, we see ourselves walking with others along various paths through the thicket. God explains that right now we ARE in the heavenly kingdom! God reminds us of Jesus’ words, “The kingdom of heaven is at hand.” God invites us to consider this further as the vision ends.

We are already part of the kingdom of God but we are unable to see and absorb its entire beauty. Our view is often blocked by thick brambles of hatred and anger that pierce and wound; high walls of protection that isolate and divide; large boulders of burdens and cares that prevent us from seeing the joy beyond them. Yes, we have days when we see glimpses of the kingdom; lovely moments when we feel God’s presence and love so profoundly. These are the clearings along our path, where we are able to see partial views of the splendor God provides.

There are other times when the heavens are revealed all around us but our focus is on our progress. Our eyes are on our path. We have learned that we must watch for roots, stones, or holes that may cause us to stumble or falter. As we are carefully watching our feet and our next step, we miss out on the grand views before us.

Some of our days are filled with gray, rainy skies of tears and sorrow. We can’t see beyond the fog of despair. These are the days when we hold that heavenly scene in our hearts. We remember the partial views we have enjoyed, the glimpses of glories we have witnessed. We can imagine how wonderful it will be to see the grandeur in its entirety, to be reunited with precious ones we have loved. These encouraging recollections and hopeful visions give us our inspiration to journey on in faith and trust.

And so, until we have entered the fullness of heaven, we walk on.

In the meantime, let’s keep clearing those things that impede our view. As we work to remove the brambles of wounds and hurts, the walls of isolation and division, and the boulders of cares and burdens, we will reveal more and more of the kingdom of heaven.

In the meantime, let’s help others stand when they stumble, to comfort them when they are hurt, and to encourage them that the glorious vista is ever and always present, nearer than we know.

In the meantime, let’s walk fearlessly through the darkness and dangers, in the assurance that we are already home.

In the meantime, let’s help one another notice the glimpses along the way. How might we work to smooth another’s path, to help them look up, and to point out the sacred views of heaven we have witnessed?

In the meantime, let’s pause along the way and watch for God’s movement and inspiration, so we may more fully comprehend just how much God is present and active in our lives!

In the meantime, let’s join together with others in love. Our task is to remind everyone that soon this vista will be completely revealed for all of us to enjoy together. Until then, we will keep clearing, helping, comforting, watching, moving, smoothing, and encouraging. We will work together to bring God’s kingdom to light, to reveal the joys of heaven fully to everyone, and to live here together, forever.

I humbly pray that this story gives you hope and peace, and most of all, purpose.

(This walking path symbol reminds me of the verse, “…what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”   ~Micah 6:8, NRSV)

Symbols have become the object of many on-going debates in our country. We hear arguments about standing or kneeling for the American flag, keeping or removing confederate statues, or even the seasonal debate of using the greetings, “Merry Christmas!” vs. “Happy Holidays!” All of these debates and stances stem from how different people perceive and interpret symbols. (Holiday greetings have become symbolic of faith stances.) Our arguments on either side of these debates arise from how we have personally experienced these symbols in our lives.

For many, the American flag is a symbol of patriotism and pride for the United States. For many, it is a sad reminder of the great sacrifices loved ones have made to preserve our freedoms. And for many, it is a cry for help in our country that still has a long way to ensure “liberty and justice for all.”

While the confederate statues don’t create an inner turmoil for me, I can certainly imagine why they may in others! If I even imagine seeing statues of Hitler or Osama bin Laden (they are part of our history), my stomach turns.

I may say, “Merry Christmas” to my family and friends in faith. But for over thirty years I was fortunate to live in a community with a Jewish Community Center and a Hindu Temple. The whole area was blessed by these faith communities who provided lovely festivals, places for health and recreation, social good, and cultural understanding. During these years I grew to understand that “Merry Christmas” may not be an appropriate greeting for everyone. I also never had anyone wish me, “Happy Hanukkah” or “Happy Diwali.” A respectful mutuality seemed to flourish.

People are more important than symbols. I’m sad that we seem to be more upset about how these symbols are treated, than in trying to resolve the underlying problems that create these divisions. Can we learn to recognize and respect the personal stories and feelings on both sides? Can we become people who value and honor the pride and sacrifice for many- but also comprehend the despair and oppression of others? Can we preserve our history as a teaching lesson- but be willing to remove statues that are painful reminders for those still held captive by systemic injustice? Can we honor one another’s different faiths- while we remain united in love?

Can we learn how to respect, honor, recognize, communicate- and work together for the good of others?

1 Corinthians 13:5    “Love… does not insist on its own way.”

(Grand Tetons, May 2015)

Your refreshing stream of universal love
astonishingly cascades forth,
flowing generously for all to enjoy.

And I…
I am the immovable boulder midstream
stubbornly impeding your movement,
while cutting the feet of those
who long to enter into your love-stream
with my slippery, jagged edges.

Keep washing over me…
until your stream lovingly smooths my ragged edges
with abrasive grit culled from other rocks;
until your stream tenderly soothes my rough surfaces
with cleansing rinses that heal and hone.

And I…
I will become the rounded stone
allowing your love to flow freely around me,
while giving the feet of those
who long to enter into your love-stream
a stepping stone for drawing near.

Keep washing into me…
until your stream eventually penetrates my hidden depths
with your gentle but persistent nudges;
until your stream removes my stony hardness of heart
with your needful and compassionate erosion.

And I…
I will become the porous stone
gradually opening to your love moving within me;
to become less stone and more space
for you to simply flow through me to those
who long to enter your love-stream.

Keep washing under me…
until your stream finally dislodges my stubborn stance
with your pervasive and directing flow;
until I tumble free from all that is holding me back,

and allow your love to carry me away.

There’s a chill in the morning air and I see glimpses of color beginning to show on the trees. Autumn- my favorite season- is upon us! Not only do I delight in the colors, the aromas, and the tastes of autumn, but my soul always gleans blessings from the rhythm and cycle of the seasons.

This year I find a lesson in the early-autumn leaves.

These first few leaves aren’t as striking or glorious as when the full tree is ablaze with color. But when I see them, I joyfully anticipate that the whole tree will soon be bright and colorful. The brilliant glories of autumn will fully shine once every leaf becomes its true color.

The early-autumn leaves are setting an example for me. In our desperately hurting world, I often feel too insignificant to make a real difference. Honestly, sometimes this insignificant feeling leads me to inaction. The example of one early-autumn leaf has much to teach me about this.

~ One colorful leaf becomes a sign of hope. It shows me that times are changing. It is a small revelation of splendors yet to come.

~ One colorful leaf doesn’t draw attention to itself, but unites with others to bring beauty and glory to the tree.

~ One colorful leaf has become radiant because it has stopped storing up for itself and has begun to surrender itself for the good of the whole tree.

~ One colorful leaf symbolizes the lovely truth that surrender and sacrifice only lead to new life and resurrection in the spring.

The season of autumn seems very timely this year. I am only one person. You are only one person. But as people of faith and love, we can learn from the early-autumn leaf. One caring sign of hope, one humble life of simplicity, one outreach to another in unity, and one life of surrender and sacrifice… together we can become the selfless, serving, shining splendor of God’s love in our world.

My sister, Janet, brilliantly shines with her loving way of helping people in unique and timely ways. Recently she surprised our mom with travel plans to see a favorite violinist later this year. Our practical and frugal mom is 92, so naturally her first question was, “What if I don’t live that long?” Her question is one any of us would ask! But Janet is willing to take that chance, and in so doing, offers our mom one of her longtime dreams.

No matter what happens, in the meantime our mom is excited. She eagerly anticipates the joy of traveling with my sister and niece, seeing new sights, and experiencing the beautiful music at the concert. Her days are brighter, her spirit is livelier. I know that even if her one “concern” would come about, she has already been richly blessed by the anticipation of this once-previous dream.

How often are we too practical and frugal with our lives? I know that I have too often kept myself from pursuing my God-given big dreams. Because I once doubted my abilities, I lowered my expectations to more “reasonable” ones. Because I have lacked courage, I have at times discounted my ability to achieve goals of value and worth. Because I question how long my life will be, I wonder if I should shorten my dream list. Because I am content, I hesitate to take on new responsibilities. But thanks to Janet’s example, I hope to be more open to pursuing my present and future dreams.

God places wild and wonderful dreams in our hearts, but how often do we respond by immediately listing reasons why we can’t pursue them? Do we think we can only pursue them if we are guaranteed to succeed? If we take those steps toward our dreams and goals, why should we care if we actually make it across the finish line? What if our initial steps are leading to another as-yet-unseen new goal? What if we are to learn something from our failures, too?

I’m reminded of the poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning:

“Earth’s crammed with heaven, 
And every common bush afire with God, 
But only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit round and pluck blackberries.”

This earth IS crammed with heaven. We are standing on holy ground. Our practical souls want to pluck blackberries. But these burning bushes will be more visible to us in the planning, the training, the daring, the excitement, and the PURSUIT of our God-given dreams. Our days will become more purposeful and abundant. Our trust in God will deepen as we risk each new step. And whether or not we see the anticipated finish line, we will find our joy is in the journey, feeling God’s presence leading and guiding us on.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”  – Mary Oliver

Two things happened on Saturday that turned me into a riled-up Mama Bear. First, I learned of the thousands of white supremacists gathered in Charlottesville and the heartbreaking tragedies that resulted.  Second, I learned that my son’s car broke down as he and his husband traveled across country. My fear for their safety far outweighed my concern for their financial burden and inconvenience. I had to distract myself from the unbearable thought that someone would attack them- simply for being who they are.

Along with our four children, Jim and I have loved and “adopted” many other young people over the years. On Sunday, this Mama Bear cried tears of frustrated anger for all of our precious ones- young people of different races, faiths, cultures, orientations, and genders. I cried for the way many of them bravely and compassionately stand up for justice and equality, even as they put themselves in danger. I cried for all the ways my heart hurts and worries about them in this world of judgment, discrimination and hatred. I cried tears of anger that our country is regressing and dividing, instead of progressing and growing in unity.

Fierce and defensive Mama Bear had taken over my gentle and contemplative soul. I looked at the photos of the men carrying hate-filled banners, yelling racist slurs, beating people, and then one man driving his car into the crowd. My heart breaking, I knew with certainty this one thing: I hate them. I hate ALL of those white supremacists.

And so I’m no better than they are.

When I begin seeing individuals as a group, when I forget they are all people loved by God, when I disregard their names and personal stories- I become one of them. When I label them as vicious, racist, bigoted people- I am as judgmental as they are. When I don’t stop to learn why they feel compelled to be part of this group, I am as one-sided as they might be. When I justify myself by saying that surely Jesus is sad and dismayed by this group, I’m forgetting that Jesus is also sad and dismayed with ME. I am part of the problem.

As a follower of Jesus, I AM called to stand up to injustice, to protect the freedoms of everyone, and to help the oppressed. But I am called to first examine how my life is contributing to these problems (even by my silence).

I AM called to try to transform hearts one at a time into loving vessels. But I am called to do this with my own transformed, loving heart.

I AM called to stand firmly against policies, attitudes and behaviors that hinder or harm others. But I am called to stand firmly with the strength of a loving and peaceful countenance.

I AM called to defend other lives. But I am called to freely and lovingly give my own life away.

Jim and I went with our daughter to a candlelight vigil for Charlottesville last Sunday night. At one point we were invited to greet one another with the words, “You are loved.” Tears and hugs flowed freely. As I held my candle, I said a silent prayer that this love would become more visible, beginning with me. I prayed that God would transform this Mama Bear into a courageous Mom. A human woman who works for healing and justice, carrying only a banner of light and love.

Yesterday I spent hours at my computer, trying to write a new blog and make progress on my book. I became frustrated and discouraged when I had nothing to show for my efforts at the end of the day. My feelings ranged from my guilt that I had wasted time, to my regret for another day gone with no real accomplishment, to my urgency that life is too short, and to my inadequacy as a writer.

There are so many times when our efforts do not seem to make a visible difference. We eat healthy diets but don’t lose weight. We do a kindness that goes unnoticed or  unappreciated. We pick up after young children, only to have new messes again and again. We lovingly make cookies to share but accidentally burn them. We pray to be a better, God-pleasing person and then falter- every day. We ponder an inspiration but are unable to glean and write the message in it.

This morning I am reminded that this life is an opportunity for God to do so much inner work in us. Maybe God was allowing me to wallow and falter to teach me that I can’t just keep pushing ahead; that I also need to be still and listen, to allow God’s work and timing. Maybe God is revealing that my need to have something to show for my efforts comes from my prideful ego. Maybe God will even use my frustration to strengthen my perseverance.

God is healing, teaching, admonishing, developing, and perfecting us in every moment. The inner work may not be visible to us, but God sees it all. Perhaps our biggest lesson in having “nothing to show” is that we may deepen in humility. We begin to more fully understand and appreciate how our worth only comes from God’s love for us, and not through anything we do.

And how, with the help of God, yesterday’s stagnation can now become today’s story.

I sang all the way home (from Toledo to Hurricane) earlier this week. I had just received the great news that I’m still in good health, with no signs of cancer! What a gift this is- to have these bonus days of life and health- and all the blessings to enjoy because of these. Jim posted his gratitude on Facebook, and we have been touched by all of the supportive comments and happiness shared by our dear friends and family.

In sharing our good news with others, we have heard the beautiful words, “God is good!” YES, God IS good, so very good. I am thankful to God for my life and health. I am thankful for the prayers of others. To know that I am being covered in prayer has helped me remain strong and hopeful. I do thank God, every day, for being so good to me.

But this is where I become uncomfortable and wonder… how often do we remember that “God is good” but forget the “all the time” part? I wonder for two reasons:

I wonder if we believe that this week God is good because God has given me health. I am no worthier than anyone else. In fact, if anything, I feel less worthy of life simply because of my age. Why should I get to live while an innocent, beloved child dies? I hope we remember the “all the time” in God’s love- that God’s love is a constant, unconditional love for everyone. God loves everyone equally and totally.

I also wonder if we forget that God is good, all the time… and anyway… and even if. Even if my cancer returns, God is good. Even if I end up suffering, God is good. God is only and always good! God makes good come from everything. In the end, I will still gain eternity, I will have lived this blessed life, I will have enjoyed the gifts of this precious creation and dear ones to love. God is good, but God is good all the time, and in all circumstances.

God is only goodness; God is only love and joy and peace and hope. No matter what life brings, God loves all of us completely. So, my friends, if one day my cancer should return, I want to continue saying, “God is good!” I hope you will, too.

God is good. So very good. All the time.

I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”  ~Isaiah 43:19

On March 13th, I copied this passage from Isaiah into my journal. At that time, Jim and I had become settled into our new home and new ways of living in Hurricane, WV. We were feeling fortunate with the many blessings we had found in our new neighborhood friends, in our new church community, and in our new opportunities to work and serve here. In my journal entry, I expressed my happiness and contentment with the way life was coming together. I felt that, with life in place, I was now ready to serve God in a new way.

I continued to write what I felt God was asking me that day: “Where will you go from here? Spring is around the corner- how will you blossom in a new way? What courageous new adventure will you undertake with this new life- the one I have restored, redeemed and resurrected? I am about to do a new thing. Do you not perceive it?” (I wrote “WOW!” after that entry; the words I’d received surprised me!)

Since then, I have kept the Isaiah passage on an index card at my writing desk. I have been trying to be attentive; to listen and discern any new things God may be calling me to do. But as time has passed, I have questioned if these words were truly of God after all. Could this passage be merely wishful thinking on my part?

So in my journal time with God earlier this week, I felt God was saying,

“You continue to feel this inner calling to something bigger. The message at church yesterday was about making a difference in the world. An inner spark is glowing within your soul, but you are uncertain it will ever flame into an outer light of goodness. Sometimes you even wonder if you’re deluding yourself, as time passes and you doubt your skills and stamina…

Is it your pride that leads you to wonder if you’re missing my purpose for you? Is it your impatience that prevents you from allowing my work to be done in you? Is it your doubt that questions whether these words from Isaiah came from me for you?

Perhaps your ‘new thing’ is to surrender your pride, your impatience and your doubt.”

I had to think some more about these challenging words on my morning walk! And on the way home, I heard this passage in a different way: “I am about to do a new thing. I didn’t say a BIG thing. I only said a NEW thing!”

Has my prideful dream of doing something memorable kept me from seeing the good I might do with small opportunities? Has my impatient need for progress or results kept me from remaining open to God’s work? Has my doubt about God’s active word in my life kept me from hearing more from God?

God does amazing things. Perhaps one day God may do something new- maybe even something big- through me. But for now, it seems I should allow God to continue revealing and removing my pride, impatience and doubt. Then I can simply trust that God is doing a new thing in me.

“I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”