Simply Soul Searching

Friday

In 2016, Jim and I were in Columbus, Ohio for a lovely June wedding of dear friends. Shortly after we had arrived, we were excited to learn that the Columbus Pride Parade was to be that same weekend! So on Saturday morning, we headed out to the streets with our flags and scarves to cheer on the colorful and beautiful people passing by.

The Parade was just a week after the unfathomable, tragic shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando in which 49 people were killed. Our family was still reeling from that heinous act of hatred that night. Our concern for the safety of our beloved dear ones was constantly on our minds. Jim and I even felt a little nervous attending the parade. I suggested that we text our family to let them know we were there…. just in case.

Immediately we received a call from our daughter.

“Well, I guess I have to tell you that I am here, too. I am marching in the parade!”

She had planned to tell us after the parade so we wouldn’t worry. She was marching with other Lutherans in support of LGTBQ+ equality. We all laughed, although mine was a nervous laughter. Relief- but also joy that we didn’t let our fears stop us, our pride for our marching daughter- flooded over us at the end of the morning.

After that, our family talked about the need for us to keep doing what we believe is right, and to keep standing up for those who need us to do so. We agreed that if anything happened to any of us, we would understand the need to carry on, trusting that our dear one was doing exactly what any of us were meant to do.

This is easier said than done, isn’t it? My stomach hurts to even write about the possibility. My fear is not so much for myself, but for my cherished husband, children, and especially all of our LGTBQ+ family and friends. And my risks are SO insignificant compared to the ones my gay loved ones and others face all the time.

The fear is real. One friend had his head pounded against a concrete pavement. One was kicked out of his home. Others have had their cars egged. One simply had an equality bumper sticker on her car and at times faced road rage. Most of them have been cursed by passers-by, just for being who they are.

We have come so far, but please know we have a long way to go. My blogs this week have taken a long time to publish. Not because I had trouble writing them, but because I was afraid to put myself out there. I have already had a few angry reactions and have even lost one friend. Minor things, truly, but they sting.

This is when I think of Jesus. Jesus, who stood for what was right, who spoke for and helped and healed the marginalized, who went to his death in defense of love. Jesus, who calls us to also love and serve one another. Jesus, who tells us time and time again, “Do not fear.”

The truth is, if we let fear keep us from living, we never will have lived, will we? If we allow fear to keep us from doing the right thing, those who evoke those fears will have succeeded. Whatever you may be passionate about, whether it is an issue of justice or a matter of your heart, I hope that you won’t let fear stop you from being who God is calling you to be, to do what God is calling you to do. The world needs you. We need you.

So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

I hope this week has blessed you. If you are reading this, know you are in my prayers. Thanks for reading this week.

Thursday

Dear LGTBQ+ Friends,

You are not alone.

There are many of us who love you, support you, and embrace you exactly as you are and because of who you are.  But fear has kept us from publicly supporting you- for we have seen the hatred, the signs, the attacks, the exclusions. We have heard your painful stories. We have read the news articles. We remain silent because we want to protect you- and to protect ourselves.

But this silence and secrecy are exactly what those who do not understand want us to do. Our silence keeps things as they are. And so today I am adding one more voice, my voice of support, that represents many others who have quietly confided their support with me. This is a letter of encouragement and friendship and love. I hope you are blessed.

You are beloved.

You are beloved by God and by so many of us, not in spite of your orientation or gender, but including your orientation, sexuality, gender, and understanding. You are loved for who you are, for you ARE whom God created you to be.

St. Therese of Lisieux, a beloved saint, saw herself as the “little flower of Jesus” who understood how she could give glory to God simply by living as her beautiful, unique, humble self among the others flowers in God’s garden. She praised God by fully being whom God created her to be. If only all of us could follow her example! What a glorious garden- full of colorful variety-  we could create, pleasing and blessing God.

A friend once told me that she liked gay people but then added, “I just wish they weren’t gay.” I thought of my loved ones and how I would not wish to change anything about them. What makes us who we are includes everything we are- physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, culturally; our experiences, religions, teachings, orientations, understandings, beliefs. We all are the entire package! I would not wish to miss the relationships I have enjoyed as I learned and grew through my dear ones’ beautiful spirits, deep souls, joyful creativity, enlightened spirituality, crazy humor, and insightful wisdom.

I only wish I would have said all this aloud.

You are not sinful when you live out your true orientation or sexual identity.  

I am not a Biblical scholar. (Then again, can anyone truly comprehend and fully understand this living Word?) But I have studied, listened, pondered and discerned what the Bible tells me- and especially what Jesus tells me- about sexual orientation and living in our true identity. Everything I have learned shows me that living as an LGTBQ+ person is not sinful.

For example, I learned that the rules listed in Leviticus were written by Pharisaic rulers as a “holiness code” to keep the Jewish people separate and pure as God’s chosen ones during the Babylonian Exile. Looking through the book of Leviticus, one will find a number of rules regarding diet, Sabbath-keeping, and religious rituals that most of us no longer keep. Tucked among them are rules about sexual relations. The holiness code has a separate purpose from the Ten Commandments. The Ten Commandments were given to show us how to love God and love one another, while the holiness codes were intended to keep a culture separate and intact. These rules were also written with a very limited knowledge of sexual orientation or identity at that time. (If anyone would like some resources on this topic, let me know.)*

More significantly, Jesus then showed us how to truly live as children of God. He refrained from adhering to Old Testament rules whenever they interfered with loving and caring for one another. For example, he healed the sick and gathered grain for his disciples to eat even though it was the Sabbath. In this, he showed us how we miss the intent of the law when we focus on obeying outdated and stringent rules instead of living in love. He summed up “all the law and the prophets” by giving us the two greatest commandments: Love God. Love one another.

Jesus seems to be showing me that it isn’t about rule keeping but about the love intended by the rules.

So when we live in love and humble service to others, whether as individuals or as partners, we are honoring and loving God, too. When we hurt one another, or when we are unkind or unloving, we are being sinful. This is true for all of us, no matter our orientation or gender.

I hope you are encouraged today.

This letter is to simply let you know that I am one of many who are with you and support you. I hope you know and experience this God who loves you completely, too. I hope you don’t let the way religion has distorted God to ever keep you from experiencing God’s true love and work in your life. God has made you beautifully and God wants to help you, love you, and fill you with all joy and hope.

I hope you feel a little less alone today. Please know how much you are loved by God- and by those of us who wish we would have spoken sooner.

Your Friend,
Karen 🙂

 

*A book I recently found very helpful and encouraging is Torn, by Justin Lee.

Wednesday

At Grace-Calvary, a parish with both gay and lesbian members, I grew increasingly weary of arguing over what Paul and the author of Leviticus may or may not have meant in half a dozen passages written a couple of thousand years ago while I watched living human beings wince at the vitriol they heard from those who said they worshiped God. ¹

This. This is why I had to resign as the volunteer coordinator at St. John UMC. Even as I know that one day the Methodist Church will find a way to include the LGTBQ+ people in ministry and marriage, even as I know the dear pastor, staff, and many members of St. John would welcome this decision, even as I know it is only a matter of time until beautifully diverse people will be included in all aspects of the church, I could not bear one more session of the angry, short-sighted, and judgmental words I would hear about people dear to me, from people dear to me.

Earlier this year, I had attended a few informational sessions about the United Methodist General Conference vote on whether or not to fully include LGTBQ+ people in ministry and marriage. The discussions were very similar to the ones I endured when Lutherans voted to welcome and include everyone over ten years ago- and then my church began taking steps to leave the ELCA. Those painful memories came flooding back…

My heart would break a little more each time people openly debated the worthiness of my son and other beloved ones. I wondered why church members felt the need to “pray that the Spirit will really move next time” when I felt that the Spirit already had. I winced inside when I was told that I was overlooking my son’s sinfulness. At one point, I heard one of the church leaders worry aloud that “if we allow gay marriage, soon people will be allowed to marry their dogs.” I heard the “God didn’t create Adam and Steve” example way too often. So I soon resigned from my beloved youth ministry to help Jim at his church.

As much as I would have liked to stay and help work toward full inclusion at the United Methodist Church, I knew I would hear these same discussions all over again. I am sad and weary of this. I am more than ready to be sharing God’s love and serving with everyone instead of arguing about who is good enough to do so.

It is my passionate hope that one day EVERYONE, regardless of orientation or gender, will be included and embraced as equals, allowed to marry and to serve as God calls them to do. But I know this can be a volatile subject, and there are strong feelings on either side, so I don’t write these blogs expecting to change opinions. Growth in understanding takes so much more than a blog or a meme or a bumper sticker. Understanding takes open hearts, earnest conversations, life experiences, and spaces to listen with mutual respect.

But today I write because, as the mom of a gay son, I hear privately and confidentially from many other moms and LGTBQ+ friends who feel as I do- but who are afraid to openly speak or share. They (and I) have remained silent out of fear for their sons, daughters, or themselves, especially for their careers and safety. Today I write so that this silence is diminished, at least by one voice. Today I write to share my own personal journey- because if my path is similar to another traveler’s path, I hope we can serve as companions for one another.

Today I write because real change takes many voices. As more people become brave enough or surrounded enough to share their stories, we will feel less alone, we will feel more empowered, and we will make a greater impact- together. I hope that the good people of St. John will find the courage to speak for those who are silently fearful or hurting when the discussions begin again.

My journey has been a rich one (see Tuesdays’ blog, One Mom’s Journey to Joy). God changed my heart through my experiences with my dear son and so many other loved ones who are gay or lesbian. God changed my heart through my daughter, a psychologist who often counsels hurting gay and transgender youth. God changed my heart through my other daughter, a pastor whose church has genuinely embraced several transgender young adults.

I know that not everyone has had the journey I have had, so I understand when people are reluctant to be inclusive or might not have the passion for this particular issue. But as my son reminded me, “This is the second ministry you have surrendered because of this issue. You have sacrificed so much for this hope in your heart, and you have the right to speak of it.”

And so today I add one more voice. Mine.

Thank you for reading.

¹ Taylor, Barbara Brown. (2006) Leaving Church. New York, NY: HarperCollins. (page 108)

(Some of you may be wondering why I, a life-long Lutheran, would have joined the United Methodist Church in the first place. When Jim and I first moved to West Virginia, we began looking for a new church home. We attended St. John and were very impressed by the pastor and worship service. I immediately asked Pr. Michael what the UMC stance was on LGTBQ+ inclusion. With the honesty and integrity I so respect in him, he replied that although he feels the same as we do, he would continue to honor what the UMC church policies are. But he assured me that a vote would be coming in the next year. I naïvely assumed the vote would easily pass- and that all people would soon be included in the United Methodist Church…)

Photo taken by Karen

Tuesday

When my children were little, I was trying to do everything I could to live as a faithful Christian, to raise my family to love and serve God, and to keep our “nuclear” family together as the integral part of our country’s goodness and Christianity’s strength. I read every letter from Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family that affirmed that the family was the strength of the nation and one of the strongest indicators of Christian living.  Part of the “Moral Majority,” I felt a sense of pride in all that I was doing to ensure that my family would be a faithful, strong family unit.

When my son was about three or four, I began to wonder if he was different from other boys. He has two older sisters, so I expected that he would behave much differently from them–but he was the same in many ways. His dad and I must have sensed this, because we would guide him into activities “for boys.” For example, in preschool, our son wanted to take dancing lessons. He DID have the affinity and ability to dance! But his dad and I suggested he play tee ball instead. His sadness and lack of interest brought his tee ball season to an abrupt end.

I don’t know if other people were beginning to wonder, but several times I heard the suggestion that doting or coddling mothers caused their sons to be gay. At first I questioned if I might be too loving, but fortunately, I could not diminish the way I love my son and daughters. Love is as natural and as unstoppable as breathing.

Then, one evening a few years later–after hearing her dad and I say that homosexuality was wrong–our daughter, who about 12 at the time, asked the very insightful question, “What if God told you that being straight was wrong?” Her question really unsettled me! But, trying to be a good role model, I actually replied, “I guess it would gross me out, but I would then try to love someone of the same gender.” After all, I had to be unwavering in my obedience to God for the good of my family…

Oh my.

Her question and the incredible absurdity of my answer were very eye-opening and heart-opening for me.

Also, along the way, God began to reveal other insights that were heart changing. I made dear friends who are gay or lesbian. I began as a youth director in a church where the youth group was diverse, welcoming and accepting of all. I learned of the discoveries about orientation coming from genetics and other factors, which made it apparent that orientation is not simply a choice. In God’s perfect grace, I was led to a new understanding and acceptance of the variety of sexual orientations.

So, when one of my youth members confided in me that she was lesbian, I could honestly assure her that God loves her, I love her, God made her beautifully, and nothing would ever change because of this. My son heard me say this, which finally gave him the courage to tell me that he too, was gay. I had suspected for some time, and I am so thankful that God opened the way for him to tell me his truth.

That night as I lay in bed, I grieved two things. They seem so trivial to me now, but the first was the loss of my traditional family dreams of dancing with him at his wedding and being Grandma to his children. The second was my concern that people were going to blame me for the way he “turned out” because his dad and I had divorced; we no longer had that perfect “Focus on the Family” family I had tried to maintain.

(On a side note, I recently learned that there are studies that indicate a hormone surge in my body while I was pregnant could have contributed to his orientation, too. So, I may be responsible- for any number of reasons!)

But had I been aware of the heartaches he was facing, I would have been devastated. Sadly, I later learned that he had told his sister nearly a year earlier but had been afraid to come out to me. I learned that his years in junior and senior high school were tough at times, as students and former friends reacted badly. Instead, he chose to sing and laugh with me on the way to school each morning. To this day, he has never told me of his experiences. He wants to save me from additional anger and heartache.

My son has always been and is now an incredible, compassionate, spiritual, brilliant, humorous, and inspirational person. He is joyfully married to a wonderful man, whom we love as our own artistic, sensitive, wise, and kind son. He is working on his PhD and is looking for new ways to help those with disabilities. I could write pages of all the ways he has blessed me and our family, and maybe I will one day.

Through my son’s life and my experiences, I have come to know the expansive, universal love of God. I have been surprised by the greater joy found in releasing our plans or expectations. I have learned that family is so much more than blood and biology; family is the precious bond that God graciously creates with each person we have been given to love. I eventually married Jim, and together we now have the joy of loving six children and five beautiful grandchildren, all God-given to us through births, marriages, adoptions, and foster care!

I have learned that what others might think of me isn’t as important as what God thinks of me, and God loves me (and all of us) unconditionally. I have learned that sometimes what we believe is best isn’t really the best thing at all. I have learned that if am responsible in any way for my son’s orientation, I can now see that as a gift–because he is incredible. All of him.

I thank God for this life, for my beautiful and incredible family, and for all the ways God’s joy is SO much better than my limited mindset and traditional expectations.

Thank you, God.

(Photo by Karen)

Monday

Whenever we read of the times when Jesus healed, fed or helped someone, we often read phrases such as: they brought to Him many… many followed Him… He saw a large crowd and felt compassion… they touched (the fringe of his coat)… they laid them down at His feet… they came came to Him in the temple. Jesus helped those who came close. He could not help everyone, but he helped the ones that came to him or were brought to him in a variety of ways, in a variety of settings.

Each day we are shown any number of needs in the world. We are told of the problems when we watch the news or look at social media. We see the troubles when we are out in our communities. We hear of the issues in conversations. As individuals, we cannot possibly solve all the problems we encounter. But when certain troubles come “close to home,” whether they are struggles that our loved ones are enduring, or a problem we encounter for ourselves, or an issue that especially touches our hearts, we feel more compelled to take action and do what we can to help!

What if the challenges that have come close to home are actually invitations from God, asking us to help? We know that God does not create problems, but what if God touches our hearts- makes us aware of the nearness and dearness of certain troubles- as our personal call to be God’s hands in the world? I cannot help but wonder how much good we could do if each of us tried to alleviate or heal the problems that are closest to our homes and hearts, doing what we can for those issues that deeply affect our souls.

For me, a trouble that has come close to home- and so has become one of my greatest concerns- is for LGTBQ+ justice and equality. I was being transformed throughout my life, but when my son came out to me, I became passionate to make a difference. The mistreatment, inequalities, and exclusions of my son and other dear ones have moved me to be more vocal and active, to work for their good- and ours.

In recent months these issues have come “close to home” for me again. For that reason, this week I will be sharing daily thoughts about my journey and new perspectives, encouragement for those who are on this same journey, and my faith and trust in the God who loves us all. I hope you will be blessed.

(If you know of others who might benefit from reading words of encouragement and support this week, please share my blog with them. Thank you!)

(Photo by Karen)