Simply Soul Searching
HOW IS GOD LOVING ME – AND WHERE IS GOD LEADING ME?
And the Darkness Shall Not Overcome It (An Unprepared Advent #4)
In his devotional book, Preparing for Christmas, Richard Rohr writes,
“The darkness will never totally go away… the darkness isn’t going to disappear, but as John’s Gospel says, the light shines on inside of the darkness, and the darkness will not overcome it… Our Christian wisdom is to name the darkness as darkness, and the Light as light, and to learn how to live and work in the Light so that the darkness does not overcome us.”
I needed to read Richard’s words. In these days of political, social and religious division, the ongoing tragedies of poverty, hunger and illness, and the hatred, oppression and injustice that still impact too many people, I could easily despair. The darkness of these troubles in the world- and my helplessness amid these troubles- frustrate, grieve and overwhelm me at times.
Understanding that the darkness always has been- and always will be- actually comforts and relieves me. Richard’s words tell me that I don’t need to take on the entire world. No one has ever been able to turn the world into a giant sphere of love on which people share and care for the earth and one another. Nor will I. But this does not mean that I shouldn’t do what I can. Instead, I can refrain from saying with a helpless shrug of my shoulders, “If only I could…” and begin saying with a determined and willing spirit, “Here’s what I can do…”
The light shines on inside of the darkness…
We are called to walk in and through the darkness. We cannot turn our heads, or deny the problems because they make us uncomfortable, or believe our efforts would be futile and just give up. We are called to walk with and serve those in need; to stand up against injustice and to speak for the oppressed; to work for understanding and unity as peaceful people in times of great division.
…and the darkness will not overcome it.
We are called to keep shining with the light of God’s love, while not letting the darkness overcome us. We cannot let our lights dim in the darkness or flicker in the bleakness of the troubles of the world. We cannot let the negativity, gossip, anger, hatred, neglect, despair or apathy of those around us to become our own. When we bear the Light of Christ, especially while we are walking in and through the darkness, the Light will shine more brightly for others to see.
May we never believe that the darkness is so great that we stop being that one small light of love. In John 16:33, Jesus said to his disciples, “I have told you these things, so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble.” We WILL have trouble! But he then continues, “But take heart! I have overcome the world.” We WILL NOT be alone!
Richard Rohr adds, “We must wait and work with hope inside of the darkness- while never doubting the light that God always is- and that we are, too. That is the narrow birth canal of God into the world- through the darkness and into an ever greater light.”
In this northern hemisphere, this is the season when the night settles in earlier each day. Driving home in the darkness, I am filled with joy by the Christmas displays and lights that brighten my route. Most days I am happy and content. But even on the days when I am weary, discouraged, anxious or overwhelmed, the festive and colorful displays remind me of the goodness of Christmas… of God’s love shown to us in Jesus… of the Light that will always shine, even in the deepest darkness. THIS is the Light of love, hope, joy and peace that we can carry to brighten the lives of others.
Keep shining, dear friends, keep shining.
Excerpts: Rohr, Richard. Preparing for Christmas. St. Anthony Messenger Press. Cincinnati OH 2008
An Unprepared Advent #3: In “A Different Light”
As I waited in the service area for an oil change, a young mom with her two small sons caught my attention. She was well-prepared for their time of waiting, and she offered them small toys, books, patient answers, and a loving lap on which to sit. The boys were enjoying themselves so much that when their car was ready they didn’t want to leave- even with the promise of lunch at their favorite restaurant! This young family helped me see “waiting time” in a different light…
It was late autumn and I was lamenting the fact that our pin oak trees were clinging to their leaves for far too long. The street sweepers would soon be making one last clean-up for the season! I wanted the leaves down and gone, so that our lawn would look nice for the winter. But one day I was chatting with my neighbor, Kathy, and she reverently said, “I just love these pin oak trees. They add such a lovely brown color to the winter whites and grays.” Kathy helped me see the beauty of those stubborn trees, and now I appreciate pin oaks in a different light…
My daughter Jennie was caring for a precious and adorable five year old, Cara, while her parents played a softball game on a hot summer day. Little Cara needed to use the portable toilet set up at the edge of the field. Jennie waited outside, very concerned. The booth was terribly hot and foul-smelling from the summer heat, and Jennie could imagine how uncomfortable she could be! But from inside the booth, Cara’s soft little voice was heard: “It’s so warm and cozy in here!” Dear Cara helped us see even this situation in a different light!
One of the best gifts of our faith is that Jesus has shown us how to view life in a different light: the light of God’s love. When God’s love illuminates our lives, we are enabled to see the beauty and the good in all circumstances. In times of trial, we can feel God’s strength. In times of grief, we can know God’s comfort. In times of despair, we can trust God’s help. In times of happiness, we can share God’s pleasure. In times of abundance, we can appreciate God’s generosity.
Journeying through life with the “different light” of God’s love, we are able to see the deeper meanings, the significant lessons, the inner beauties, and the hidden jewels within. Living in this different light of faith is a precious gift in which we find our peace, hope, joy and love.
Perhaps that not only is our best gift, but also our best witness for others… living as people of the Light. Seeing life as an incredible experience of God’s pure love. Pointing out the beauty or noticing the gifts that may be hidden under “normal” light conditions. Understanding how our lives- with all of the trials, joys, challenges and beauty that we experience- have significance and deeper meaning. Revealing the inner good and beauty to those who cannot see it in themselves. Embracing everything with a heart of gratitude.
Brightening the lives of others as people who walk in the light of God’s love.
The people who walked in darkness
have seen a great light;
those who lived in a land of deep darkness—
on them light has shined.
(Isaiah 9:2)
An Unprepared Advent #2: When There are No Alternate Routes
After living in Toledo for almost 60 years, I was accustomed to having alternate routes available when I drive. The landscape is flat in northwest Ohio, so most of the roadways are organized into neat, square grids. Detours are merely a matter of turning a few times and taking a new route in the same general direction. I could navigate my way around most of the obstacles I encountered.
Here in Hurricane, WV, there aren’t as many alternate routes. We live among the hills and creeks, which necessitate winding roadways with few easily available exits. When I encounter trouble on the road, I’m unable to navigate around it. At times I must creep along slowly with many other drivers as we head to our destinations. Other times I must stop to wait until the road becomes clear again. There are even times when I need to turn around and go back the way I came.
I’ve had a few insights about myself as I travel these roads. The first is that I must use the restroom before leaving home! 😀 More importantly, I have noticed that I can become obsessed with reaching my destinations (or achieving my goals). With my prepared plans in place, I become determined to follow and fulfill them as quickly and efficiently as possible, so that I can soon be on my way to my next pursuit. I become quite frustrated when these plans are interrupted- when my forward progress slows, or moves in fits and spurts, or idles, or sometimes even backtracks.
As always, God is blessing me with the lack of alternate routes. The curving roads among the hills have become significant reminders that I am not in control; that I cannot always take the easy way home. I am learning to respect the limits and extra time that my routes dictate for me. I am noticing some precious gifts that these limits offer, such as learning to surrender, to slow my pace, to accept what is, and to make the most of these idle times.
What if our road of life isn’t really meant for moving forward, going the distance, or reaching our goals? What if our road of life is meant to be traveled with a sense of adventure, as we wander and discover more about ourselves and God along the way? When our pace is dictated by our circumstances and lack of options, perhaps that too, is all goodness, all gift. Perhaps our “progress” is not whether we are swiftly and efficiently moving forward, but whether we are patiently and readily remaining on the only route we have; all the while trusting that God is using this route to perfect us- according to God’s perfect pace and direction. Not ours.
Hurricane Creek Road is one of those ‘long and winding roads’ I often drive. This week as I meandered down this road, I marveled at the frosty mist rising from the creek. I came around a bend and was surprised to see the sun cresting over the hilltops. Houses were nestled in the valleys, smoke circling up from chimneys. The barren trees added a beautiful gray background to the golden carpet of their discarded autumn leaves. Christmas music was softly playing. My heart was totally filled with joy and awe at the scene surrounding me. The hills were enveloping me, inviting me to snuggle in with them, into the heart of my new home.
How could I not rejoice?
You show me the path of life. In your presence there is fullness of joy; in your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11
An Unprepared Advent
Each year around the first part of October, I eagerly begin considering ideas and themes for my Advent devotional blogs. I love to write devotions, especially in Advent! This creative, prayerful practice helps prepare my heart for Christmas and the Spirit of Christ. Writing daily Advent devotions has become my cherished tradition, one that blesses me richly.
But this year, I struggled. There were many hours when I sat before my computer, trying out “templates” for different themes. Each time I would soon become stymied in the writing of them. I became frustrated, even desperate at times. What would be my theme that would connect all 25 devotions? I have previously used alphabetical words, lectionary readings, Advent themes of hope, love, joy and peace, and last year, the theme of Light. I tried all of these- and even some new ideas- but soon felt both empty and overwhelmed.
A few weeks ago I tried again. Nothing. In fact, I thought to myself, “I’ve got nothing.” I sadly and tearfully surrendered. I decided to forgo my writing tradition for this season.
And then it happened. When I fully realized, “I’ve got nothing,” my heart opened to God saying, “But I have everything.” A tremendous peace came over me. I was free of the burden. I wasn’t supposed to ask God to bless the writing of MY theme, but to ask God to bless my writing of GOD’S theme. I was to stop asking God to help me create and instead, ask God to help me notice what God is creating- within me and around me. After all, isn’t God the best, true Creator?
This year, I plan to have “An Unprepared Advent.” My hope is to release any of my themes, ideas, or goals for my Advent experience, and to allow God to reveal what God would like to show me. I hope to live this Advent with an unprepared heart, simply observing what God might reveal each day. I will not concern myself with daily writings, but write when the Spirit moves me.
When I consider the Bible stories surrounding the birth of Jesus, it becomes obvious to me that no one was prepared! Surely Mary never dreamed that she would carry God’s son. Surely Joseph never dreamed that he would encounter an angel of encouragement. Surely the shepherds were surprised and astonished at the angels’ news. Surely the inn keeper would have prepared a room if he had known God’s son was coming. I imagine even the animals were quite surprised. Jesus birth came at a very inconvenient and unexpected time for all involved, but God’s prepared plan was completed in God’s perfect timing.
Advent has been a time for us to prepare our hearts to receive the Christ child once again. But maybe we should totally “unprepare” our hearts! Let’s open ourselves to be surprised. Let’s pay attention to what God is doing, with less attention to our own agendas. Let’s open ourselves for God to freely (and surprisingly?) work within us.
I will forever cherish that moment. In fully realizing, “I’ve got nothing,” my heart was emptied and opened for God’s everything to pour in. That painful surrender led to incredible freedom. Knowing that God has everything I need gives me hope for all of Advent- and all of my days.
I will thank God for this when I light the candle of hope on Sunday evening.
Advent blessings, everyone.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 (NRSV)
Those “Unknown” Sins
I dropped a tissue on my walk the other day. (Exciting news, right??) As usual, noticing the dropped tissue began my new contemplation… 🙂
Often on my daily walks I will pick up trash along the way. I figure that even if I only pick up one piece a day, at the end of the month I will have cleared thirty. I love caring for the earth. I love making my path cleaner and more beautiful. So you can imagine my dismay when I was returning on the path I had walked earlier- and found one of MY tissues on the ground! It must have fallen out of my pocket when I had reached in for another.
I was reminded of this confession from The Book of Common Prayer:
Have mercy upon us, most merciful Father;
in your compassion forgive us our sins,
known and unknown,
things done and left undone;
and so uphold us by your Spirit
that we may live and serve you in newness of life,
to the honor and glory of your Name…
Most of my sins seem quite obvious to me! But maybe our unknown sins are like that tissue I dropped.
Of course I don’t believe that accidentally dropping a tissue is a sin, as unsightly as it is. But the tissue reminds me that I can feel self-righteous about being quick to notice and fix another’s ‘trash’ while not seeing my own. Or that I can feel judgmental about someone else’s ‘litter’ without knowing how or why it happened. Or that I can have a feeling of superiority (I would never litter!) when I am so imperfect- especially in ways I might not see.
We are all walking this path together. Each of us has our own trash- the stuff that isn’t pleasing or beautiful. Once in a while that trash comes out, whether known or unknown to us. The tissue is a reminder that we are all called to make this world a more beautiful place. But to keep bearing in mind that there will be times when we too will need someone to clean up after us, whether we know it or not! Perhaps in doing so, we could all begin to walk this path with a little more grace, a little more understanding, and a greater spirit of teamwork. Walking in love and cleaning up messes together, our journey can become a way of living and serving God “in newness of life.”
Where the Light Shines Through
I’m willing to share my filthy storm door with you because it speaks to my soul today! As you can see in the photo, the window glass looks fine where the sun isn’t directly shining on it. But where the light streams through, you can see all the dirt and fingerprints! Each morning when the sun beams through the door, I tell myself that I have some cleaning to do- until the sun moves on and the door looks fine once again.
Today the storm door is telling me that I need to hold myself up to the light of God’s love and ask God to reveal those things I need to remedy. Sometimes the dirt and grime of sin aren’t obvious unless they are exposed to this light. Whatever I need to clean up or make right, I must do- and not just hope that these issues won’t be noticed under “normal” conditions.
But there is another message.
What I find challenging about window cleaning is that I have to repeat the process several times. I wash the window thoroughly and vigorously until I believe the window is clean. But when the sun shines upon it I still see a few smudges and residue left behind. So I clean again, and then wait for the sunlight to reveal what I’ve missed. Often times it takes me several tries to get a window completely clean. Wash. Watch. Repeat.
The same thing happens when God reveals something I need to do. Perhaps I am to ask for forgiveness. Or seek reconciliation. Or extend kindness and mercy. Or do a sacrificial service for another. And I find that in doing what God asks, I find peace and joy beyond my understanding. But more often than not, a lingering residue remains. A small part of me- the petty part of me- is still smudged and dirty, unpleasing to God… and unsettling for me.
For example, when God moves me to do something gracious and kind, I feel the joy of sharing God’s love. But a smudge of self-righteousness may then appear. When I have sinned and God hears my plea for forgiveness, I feel relieved and cleansed. But often some residue of guilt remains. When God invites me to serve sacrificially, I find peace and camaraderie with Jesus. But a smear of resentment also wants to come along. When God leads me to mercifully forgive someone, I feel obedient and unburdened. But the blemish of a slowly-healing wound may still linger.
I am like the dirty window glass. I must keep placing myself into the light of God. As God reveals the filth I need to clean up, I will get to work. With God’s help, I can begin the major task of the initial cleaning. Then I will come again before God’s light of love, and God will point out, “Well, Karen, you have started well, but you left a little smudge…” Wash. Watch. Repeat.
God’s gift to us in this process is that the revealing light shining on us IS a light of pure love. The awareness of our flaws may be painful and humbling. The cleansing process may be arduous and repetitive. But at each step we are placing ourselves into the holy splendor of the light of God’s love! God’s cleansing light is a warm, gentle, bright, beautiful, illuminating light of LOVE. What could be better? Where else could we find such joy?
God is light and in him there is no darkness at all… If we walk in the light as he himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and… Jesus cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, God who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:5,7-9 NRSV)
God, Moses, Me- and a Little Mirth
Moses has been in my thoughts in recent days. Last week, I was honored and delighted to be called to serve in a part-time ministry position at St. John United Methodist, where I have found my church home here in West Virginia. This past year, like Moses, I had a few “burning bush” moments that eventually led me to this call.
I had been invited to serve as a Sunday school and small group coordinator back in January. Serving in this way refueled my excitement and passion to serve. My plans had been to write a memoir about God’s love for me during my time with cancer, but I began to wonder if I was meant to set this project aside for the present time and serve in ministry once again. I have been given a second chance to live, and I want to do all I can with my life and gifts in gratitude to God.
Then, this past Sunday, Pastor Michael’s sermon message clearly brought this home to me. Using the passage from James 4:13-17, he invited us to consider how- when we realize that life is short and uncertain, when we see that all of life is a gift from God- we are inspired to embrace the abundant life by humbly and obediently sharing our gifts to further God’s kingdom. All of these burning bush moments led me to this new ministry in which I am blessed to serve.
But shortly after I received this call, I attended a meeting where it became apparent that I have MUCH to learn. I don’t know the people and ministries as well as others do. I don’t know all the ways and policies of the Methodist church. I wasn’t aware of all the needs I would be asked to address. I came away from the meeting feeling quite inadequate and overwhelmed. So once again my thoughts turned to Moses during my morning walk yesterday.
I remembered the times when Moses felt inadequate. God always provided. He told God his doubts about his speaking abilities and God supplied Aaron to speak for him. When the Israelites complained to Moses about their hunger, God supplied quail and manna. As long as Moses held up his hands (with the staff of God) while the Israelites were in battle, they were successful. When Moses became weary, Aaron and Hur came to support his arms for him. All along the wilderness way, God provided, sustained and helped Moses and his people.
It came to me that I already have some “Aarons” in my life. I have a supportive and caring pastor and staff. I have dear friends at St. John who have already offered to help me. I have my loving husband who encourages and helps me in countless ways. Most of all, I have my loving God who will provide and sustain me, too.
We receive a gift in painfully recognizing our inadequacies: we understand how deeply and totally we need God. I know that I will need to entrust myself and my ministry to God, every day. I know I will need to count on others and even call on others to help. I know that ministry is NOT about me or my abilities, but how selflessly, humbly and faithfully I can help ALL of us serve God and one another in loving community.
I walked on, feeling God and Moses working on my heart and soul- blessing me, comforting me, and encouraging me. And then I turned the corner and saw this on the back of a car:
Isn’t God SO good- and funny?! I laughed all the way home. Thank you, God.
And Moses built an altar and called it, The Lord is my banner. (Exodus 17:15)
“Wrong” Places but Best Possibilities
If someone were to ask me to find the sun, I would immediately look to the sky. But this puddle reminds me that the sun can also be found in unexpected places, such as in the puddle’s reflection. When we are searching for something, how often do we only look in the usual, expected places? The same idea may apply when we are seeking answers or guidance. How often do we only choose from the most obvious or logical options while ignoring a subtler but perhaps better choice?
Earlier this week Jim and I were discussing our discernment and God’s call on our lives. I remembered a few years ago when we were visiting our daughter Jennie and her family in Teays Valley, WV. As we drove around the area, both Jim and I verbally agreed that “it was a nice place, but we wouldn’t want to live here.”
We moved to the Teays Valley area just over a year later!
We were amused to notice that several times our calls seemed to extend directly from our words, “I would never…” or “I wouldn’t want to…” such as our move to West Virginia. We laughed as we recalled those instances in our lives when we ended up doing what we least expected- especially after declaring that we would NOT want to do that very thing!
Certainly I do not have all the answers about discerning God’s will or call in our lives. Sometimes I believe that God has a specific plan in mind for each of us, and if we remain open to the Spirit- listening and watching for God’s movement- God will guide us to the right places. Other times I believe that God’s will for all of us is simply to love and serve God and our neighbor, and we can do that in any number of ways.
But maybe there are those times when the God who calls us is the God who changes our direction and invites us to discover new, subtle, surprising and unexpected places- those possibilities we think we’d rather not explore. I wonder how often I have ignored a call from God; never entertaining the idea because “I would never…” What have I missed because I was unwilling to think or dream in new ways?
What if in this moment one of our “nevers” is actually an invitation from God? How would our lives change if we stopped claiming our “nevers” and began asking God, “What possibilities do YOU have in mind?” Just for today, let’s name one “I would never…” and place that as an offering before God. Let’s give God the freedom to choose what we are to do. Allowing God to lead us into our ‘wrong’ places, we will discover that they are actually our best possibilities, for they become the perfect settings for God to keep perfecting us.
That First Brush Stroke
I have several white canvases stashed in a closet. These were purchased a few years ago- along with a few bottles of paint- when I had this idea of painting a picture that would accent the colorful hues of our bedroom quilt. I bought four canvases so that I could change the pictures with the seasons. I looked at Pinterest to find fun and creative ideas. I purchased some brushes that would help create the right effect.
Two years have passed.
And then this morning during my journal time with God, I was considering what to do with my future. Now that my health is back and we are settled in our new community, I need not hesitate to explore new possibilities or vocations. I asked God what would be the best choices to make, what God would want me to do with my future days. The response I received was surprising and enlightening.
I journaled these words I felt God saying to me:
“Sometimes a blank canvas is intimidating. You hesitate to make the first brush stroke until you have the complete picture in your mind, perhaps even completely sketched out before you. Think of all the canvases you have waiting in your closet. You keep finding ideas, but you haven’t attempted any of them. You don’t want to “waste” a clean canvas by possibly making a mistake. But isn’t the canvas being wasted NOW?
The best art can be created as you go. You make the first brush stroke, and then discover the next space that needs color, depth or dimension. This is your life- your life in me. I will help you create the final canvas, to one day be the complete and lovely picture that I have in mind; one that brings joy, peace or inspiration to those who encounter it. But you need to keep painting. You need to START painting! You especially need to make the first brush stroke on that clean white canvas of new possibilities.
You already envision the theme of your life’s painting- to live in love, to serve me, to bless others, to thrive and to grow. So approach that blank canvas with the bold freedom that comes from knowing I am helping you all the way. I will take your smudge and make a beautiful flower petal. I will take your misplaced brush stroke and blend it into an interesting background. I will take your wrong color choice and add the proper tint for just the right effect. We will work out the details of your painting as we go… one brush stroke at a time.”
I closed my journal and thanked God. I am merely a novice as I create the picture of my life, but I have God as the correcting and redeeming artist all the way. It is time to pick up the paintbrush and begin.
How about you?
Spending Our “Free” Time
We are already halfway through the calendar year- this weekend, we welcome the month of July! This midway point seems to be telling me that it is time to evaluate how I am living my days, especially during my free time. “Free” time isn’t exactly FREE, is it? Yes, free time is free of commitments, obligations, appointments or routines. Yes, free time is an opportunity to freely choose what we would like to do. But since our earthly days are limited, how we spend our free time comes at a cost. Free time not wisely or worthily spent fritters away precious hours of life.
So I am asking questions: Is how I am spending my free time helping me to grow into the best ME, the best person God created me to be? Am I listening for God and being attentive to my soul? Are my free time activities consistent with my personal integrity and wholeness? Am I choosing the better choices over the good? Certainly there are times when we simply need to let our minds and bodies rest as we refrain from anything that requires much thought or effort. But I believe some changes to my free time activities are needed.
July is going to be a month of mindfulness for me. I hope to be more aware of how my free time activities impact my soul and frame of mind. I’d like to notice whether what I do (or say or think) in my free time actually resonates with my well-being or conflicts with it. I’d like to be attentive to the ways of living that feed my soul and also are consistent with whom God calls me to be.
For example, in the past six months, I have “liked” or “loved” lots of political posts on Facebook, and even posted a few of my own. But I recently found that a better choice- one that brought greater satisfaction and peace- was in writing to my senator. I noticed that sharing a Facebook post about the immigration issues felt futile, but donating to Lutheran Immigrant and Refugee Services felt worthwhile and helpful.
Another activity I will evaluate this month is how I unwind in the evenings, when my mind and body are tired. I enjoy watching HGTV. But as Jim and I try to watch our budget and live more simply, does HGTV cause a bit of envy or increase my desire to purchase new items? (Do I really need an open concept with no popcorn ceilings?) Will I feel more content by reading a good book, listening to music, or playing a board game with Jim? Would looking up craft ideas on Pinterest inspire new creative projects for supplies I have on hand? HGTV is not a bad choice, but is there a better one?
When I am waiting for an appointment, sitting on the porch, or stuck in a traffic jam, would it be better to call or text someone that I’m thinking of them, instead of playing Sudoku on my phone? Would praying fill the time AND my soul? Do I while away too many hours with mindlessness? I will be curious to see if I accomplish more, make a greater difference for good, or feel more peaceful this month!
Finally, I’d like to quietly review my day before going to bed. Instead of stressing about tomorrow’s concerns, I plan to talk with God about my day. Did I serve God well? Did I serve others as best I could? Did I tend my spirit? I hope to take a few moments to listen to my body and spirit and evaluate how healthy and whole they feel. Was my free time this day spent in the ways that please God and bring joy to my well-being? I would like to fall asleep being mindful that God loves me and will guide me again tomorrow.
If this month of mindfulness appeals to you- I invite you to join me! Each day, let’s try to evaluate our free time activities and notice what feeds our souls, what contributes to our integrity and spirit, and what brings about greater good. I would love to hear how you feel when August rolls around!
Simply Soul Searching 