Simply Soul Searching
HOW IS GOD LOVING ME – AND WHERE IS GOD LEADING ME?
Identity
(Karen and Jim, Easter 2014)
Our past three years could be described as the proverbial “roller-coaster ride” of life. In 2014, I was delighted to be called to serve in ministry with my husband Jim, who was a pastor at our dear church in Toledo. Nine months later, I learned that I had ovarian cancer. While I was undergoing chemotherapy, Jim was told that he had an aortic aneurysm. He had open heart surgery and two weeks later had a small stroke from a wayward clot. I then had my surgery and followed up with nine more weeks of chemotherapy. By Thanksgiving of 2015, we were especially thankful to be recuperating and slowly getting back into ministry and life.
We soon realized that we were different people. We no longer had the stamina nor the enthusiasm to serve well in ministry. Following a few months of prayer and discernment, Jim took a leave from his call and I resigned. We moved to a small apartment in West Virginia, to be close to our grandsons and nearer to the rest of our family. Earlier this year we moved into our lovely new home and have settled in well. Jim has found a career in sales, and I am staying with my grandsons after school while also writing my blogs and book.
I feel as if we have finally reached the end of our roller-coaster ride. We made it up the challenging, steep climbs. We savored breath-taking moments at the tops of the hills. We hung on through the fast and fearful free-falls. We made it. We are catching our breath, thankful for the ride but grateful for the relief. We are feeling a sense of accomplishment and are now ready to enjoy the rest of our lives.
But this morning it hit me… WHO AM I? AND WHAT DO I DO NOW?
So much of our identity is framed by what we do. I had been living out my roles as pastor’s wife, youth and education director, retreat leader, devotional writer, ministry organizer, hospitality host, and avid walker. My roles influenced how I related to others, how I reacted to situations, how I organized my life, and how I felt about myself. Now I am no longer doing most of those things. I am in a new home, a new state, a new church, and a new vocation. My walking pace has slowed and my distance has shortened. I almost feel that disoriented, queasy feeling one has at the end of a roller-coaster ride. My perspective is unclear. I imagine those of you who have retired or changed careers have felt much the same way. Who am I, REALLY?
But I am reminded that I am still, forever, a child of God. I am still a servant of God. I am still Karen, with unique gifts to share. There are a variety of ways to serve God; some are just less visible, out of the limelight. Whether I am leading a retreat or helping my grandsons with homework, I am still in ministry. I trust that there many opportunities yet to be discovered.
God says in Isaiah, “I am about to do a new thing, do you not perceive it?” (Isaiah 43:19). Perhaps there is another roller coaster ride in the near future. I’m truly hoping for a more peaceful ride to enjoy! But for today, I will exit the roller coaster and head to the nearby shade tree, where God is waiting to spend time with me… Karen, roller-coaster rider, searching soul, wandering wayfarer, humbled servant… but always, beloved child.
Easter Sunday, April 16th- Resurrection!
Ephesians 1:17-19
17 I pray that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation as you come to know him, 18 so that, with the eyes of your heart enlightened, you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance among the saints, 19 and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power for us who believe, according to the working of his great power.
HAPPY EASTER!
Jesus is risen! We celebrate with joy as we greet the new dawning of new life. We have journeyed with Jesus through these long forty days. We have witnessed his suffering and selfless surrender. We have waited in the darkness. And now, here we are at the end of our journey. But it is a beginning. With one step out of the tomb, Jesus forever changed our perception of death. Death will never be the final end of life; now we know that it will be the beginning of our eternal life, even better than our earthly life. Today we celebrate the resurrected life of Jesus- and of all of us! God IS good. ALL the time.
I read this passage from Ephesians when I first began writing these Lenten reflections, and it really resonated with me. I saved it to my working document to use at some point. But all through Lent, I kept saving the passage for another day. Now, here it is, Easter. This passage isn’t one of our usual Easter readings. But suddenly, on this glorious day, Paul’s words are so very appropriate. Today, may we all truly know “the hope to which he has called us… the riches of his glorious inheritance… and the immeasurable greatness of his power.” Forever.
Thank you for accompanying me during this Lent and Holy Week time. I have prayed that in some way you have been blessed along the way. Thank you for your prayers and for your gracious encouragement and kindness, too. May today bring you much joy and celebration.
And for all of you today, I pray…
that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation as you come to know him, so that, with the eyes of your heart enlightened, you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance among the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power for us who believe, according to the working of his great power.
Amen.
Go in peace. Go in joy!
Karen 🙂
Easter Vigil, Saturday, April 15th- Transformation
Psalm 30:5
“…Weeping may endure for a night. But joy comes in the morning.”
There had to be a sense of relief for Mary and the disciples when Jesus finally breathed his last and was taken down from the cross. Now he was no longer suffering. Those of us who have kept vigil with someone who is lingering in pain understand the relief that comes with death, the end of suffering. We are then buoyed by friends and family who surround us with love and care throughout the funeral and burial.
But eventually we sadly wonder, “What do we do now? How do we go on from here?” We are thrown into muddled confusion and depression as we try to figure out a new way of living without our loved one.
The Saturday Easter Vigil has become a precious part of my Lenten/Easter journey. Jesus has died, but we have yet to witness his resurrection. The Vigil is the sad and confusing time between death and new life. This is how it is with any loss in life. After any significant “death”- loss of our loved one, our career, our health, our dream- eventually resurrection comes. We eventually learn a new way of living, a new way of being. But in between those times, we are lost, confused, sad, and despairing. We have entered the tomb. Darkness surrounds us.
And yet, it is in this darkness of the tomb where Jesus was transformed. His lifeless, battered body was transformed into new life that would soon exit the closed tomb. God was busily transforming Jesus while his loved ones grieved and rested on the Sabbath. As Mary and the disciples were reeling from the sudden terrible outcome for Jesus, God was already working to give them new hope and joy.
God is at work during our tomb times, too. In the midst of our deepest despair, God is already working in us. When we are at our weakest, God is strong. When we are very confused, God can redirect us. When we are unable to see the future, God provides our vision and dream. This is where God does great work in us; transforming us into fresh, newly resurrected beings. Note that this is not merely “revival.” This is not a restoration of our old life, but a new life, a new way of being. This is unexpected RESURRECTION.
And so today, let us keep vigil. Let us watch and wait with hope for God to work in Jesus. Let us watch and wait with hope for God to work in us. Whatever losses we have faced, whatever darkness we may be feeling, we can trust that God is already re-creating us for a beautiful resurrection.
Wait in the darkness. But wait with hope and expectation.
Good Friday, April 14th- Silence
John 19:30
30 When Jesus had received the wine, he said, “It is finished.” Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.
There are no words…
Maundy Thursday, April 13th- Servanthood
John 13:2b-5, 34-35
And during supper 3 Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going to God, 4 got up from the table, took off his outer robe, and tied a towel around himself. 5 Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was tied around him.
34 I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
Jesus turned our world upside-down, didn’t he? Instead of being born in a palace, he was born in humble surroundings. Instead of using clever marketing techniques to gain followers, he chose a few friends and said, “Don’t tell anybody what I’ve just done.” Instead of conquering the political and religious leadership that brought him to the cross, he conquered death. And now, in this passage, instead of being served, he chose to serve his disciples by washing their filthy feet.
Our focus for today is servanthood. Jesus shows his disciples the way of humble servitude and tells them (and us) to love one another. In the Gospel of Luke (22:27) he also says, “For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.” With this statement, there is a deeper meaning of servanthood. Jesus uses servanthood as an equalizer. As we love one another, we are all servants of one another. We are all equals.
Those of us who followed the show, “Downton Abbey” saw how boundaries were formed and separateness maintained between the servants and the lords and ladies of the estate. The servants had separate living quarters. They ate separately and kept a respectful distance from those they served. But once in a while boundaries were crossed when relationships deepened between certain servants and elite family members. When this happened, everyone on both sides became quite upset. Everyone was so used to having certain roles in society, it was difficult to see these roles undone.
When Jesus shows us that he is among us as one who serves, he is showing us that we are all equal. He is teaching us that we should love and serve others, but also that those “others” are able to love and serve us, too. Often when we think of serving, we think, “Who could use my help?” Perhaps we should ask, “Who would be blessed to serve me?” We are humbled being servants. But we are also humbled being served at times, aren’t we? Servanthood isn’t just about serving. It’s about holding one another as equals. It’s about mutually helping one another.
Our reminder symbol is a towel, to remind us of how Jesus humbled himself to wash the disciples’ feet. May we live as Jesus did, loving and serving others. May we also recognize that we are all servants; we are all equally able to bless one another in some way. “Let mutual love continue” (Hebrews 13:1).
Loving Jesus,
You humbly showed us how to love and serve one another. Help me to recognize that we are all equally loved by you, that you call every one of us to be servants, and that everyone has something to offer. Help me to give mutual love and care. Help me to receive mutual love and care.
Especially today, thank you for your servant’s heart as you washed the disciples’ feet. Thank you for giving us a way to remember you by sharing your body and blood through Holy Communion. Thank you that we all come to the table as equals for your sacred meal. May all that I say and do reflect your all-embracing, welcoming love for everyone.
Amen.
Wednesday, April 12th- Mortality
Luke 9:51
51 When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem.
Today’s devotion isn’t pleasant. As we continue to accompany Jesus through the week leading up to his death, we think of that very thing: death. When Jesus “set his face to go to Jerusalem,” he was facing the city where he knew his suffering and death would take place. He was steeling himself for the long journey to the tomb. Our focus for today is to face mortality- the mortality of dear Jesus and our own mortality.
All of us are aware that our earthly life is temporary. Sometimes the temporariness becomes more real to us. Our earthly mortality is understood more clearly in times of illness, in the fear that illness may return, at the loss of a loved one, in a near-miss or accident that could have been worse. We tend to think of our mortality more often as we age, too.
In these times, we are grateful for the promise of life eternal, of life that will be filled with joy and love, of life that will be even better than this earthly life. And yet, we still have worries and sorrows, don’t we? We wonder if we will be able to see all our dreams and purposes fulfilled. We can’t bear to consider our temporary farewells to loved ones. We hesitate to even imagine if we will suffer. We worry about our loved ones grieving and hurting. We know we will be fine “on the other side” but it’s the getting there that seems so hard.
Now imagine how Jesus had to face his earthly mortality straight on. He was only about 33 years old. He had done so much in his short ministry, but there was still so much to do. He had dear friends, devoted followers, and a loving family who would miss him. He would have to bear the most terrible suffering, and then be hung on a cross to die. I wonder how much he knew. We do know how much he agonized in the Garden of Gethsemane. He was God’s son, but he was human. His fears and deep grief were real. We know that Jesus fully understands what we feel about our own death.
We are so fortunate to be living in the time after the resurrection of Jesus, to know that he was raised to new life. Today we are blessed to know that death is not the end, it is only the beginning of a beautiful life that we cannot even begin to comprehend. But today… let’s remember with profound sorrow and deep gratitude what Jesus went through to show us that.
Our reminder symbol is a nail. May we consider the crucifix nails that held Jesus as he suffered and died so that we may face our own mortality with peace, hope and even joy.
Precious Jesus,
I am so sorry for all of the suffering you had to endure.
I am so sorry for the way you hung on a cross to die.
I am so sorry that you had to knowingly face all of this in the long days beforehand.
I am so sorry for the agony, the grief, the doubt, the terribleness of it all.
I say “thank you,” but it seems so inadequate.
But thank you.
Amen.
Tuesday, April 11th- Remaining Behind the Cross
1 Corinthians 1:17-18
17 For Christ did not send me to baptize but to proclaim the gospel, and not with eloquent wisdom, so that the cross of Christ might not be emptied of its power. 18 For the message about the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
Before his sermon messages, Pastor Mike always prays that God will guide his words for God’s purposes; that he will not get in God’s way. He humbly asks God, “Place me behind the cross.” His hope is that through his messages, God’s love- shown through Jesus on the cross- will receive the attention, not him. His prayer is an excellent one for all of us.
This week, our focus is especially on the cross, isn’t it? We will follow Jesus to the cross. We will grieve as he suffers and dies on the cross. We will then rejoice when we see the empty cross and empty tomb. After Easter, how will we keep the cross before us? How will we remain behind the cross?
In our baptism, many of us received a blessing after we were washed with water. We were anointed with the sign of the cross on our foreheads as we were told, “Child of God, you have been sealed by the Holy Spirit and marked with the cross of Christ forever.” With this anointing on our foreheads, we were placed behind the cross.
Making the sign of the cross each morning is a good reminder (Martin Luther suggested this). We can say the words again, “You have been sealed by the Holy Spirit and marked with the cross of Christ forever.” We can ask God to place us behind the cross with each new day. Let’s do these things and then notice what changes in the way we live our day. Will we be better people, better followers? Will our words and actions point to the cross? May we not forget the cross even after we celebrate Easter.
After our baptismal anointing we are also told, “Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” Let’s do so today.
Our reminder symbol is a small dish of water (or anointing oil). Let’s make the sign of the cross, place ourselves humbly behind the cross, ask the Spirit to help us remain there, and bring glory to God.
Gracious God,
Thank you for the cross. Thank you for the love shown through Jesus on that cross. Place me behind the cross today. May I always keep the power of the cross before me. May all I say and do point to that cross and glorify you alone. Amen.
Monday, April 10th- Accompanying
John 13:33 (NRSV)
Little children, I am with you only a little longer. You will look for me; and as I said to the Jews so now I say to you, ‘Where I am going, you cannot come.’
Yesterday was Palm Sunday. The children at our church paraded up and down the aisles, waving their palms happily as we sang our praises. We remembered how Jesus was triumphantly welcomed into Jerusalem with “Hosannas” and waving palm branches from adoring crowds. When I was a child, Palm Sunday was such a celebratory day- and it seemed to me that the party continued with Easter the next week.
Then I remember hearing that Jesus died on a cross somewhere in between those two parties. But in my child’s mind I thought that since Jesus was God’s son, he was able to endure such a terrible thing because he had superpowers. And of course, I knew that if I had been there, I would never have denied him, or punished him, or wanted him dead.
But now I know the rest of the story. Now I know that it wasn’t one continuous party from Palm Sunday to Easter. Now I know that the very man God sent to show us how much God loved us- and how abundantly we could live in the knowledge of that love- was denied, condemned, tortured and killed. The worst part is that now I know I wouldn’t have done anything to stop it.
Our Lenten focus for today is accompanying. As we go through this Holy Week, let’s go with Jesus. Let’s accompany Jesus as we revisit the events in which he agonized deeply, endured painfully, and surrendered completely. Let’s not jump from one party to the next. Let’s take time to consider how we would have reacted or felt if we had been there with him. Although we can never fully comprehend his terrible journey, let’s imagine ourselves with him… from his triumphal entry into Jerusalem, to his last meal with his disciples, to his washing of their feet, to his praying in the garden, to his trial, to his suffering, and finally to the cross and tomb.
Our reminder symbol is a sandal. May it encourage us to walk this Holy Week journey again with Jesus. May we recall with grief and humble gratitude everything he endured… before we celebrate his glorious resurrection.
Dearest Jesus,
You told your disciples, “Where I am going, you cannot come.” I know that I cannot fully comprehend the journey you have taken. But my heart longs to accompany you through it all. Open my heart this week, that I may be more fully aware of everything you endured. For me. Amen.
Saturday, April 8th- Integrity
Philippians 4:8-9
8 Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.
There are so many lovely qualities in this passage, and they all bring to mind the quality of integrity. Google’s definition of integrity includes “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles” and “the state of being whole and undivided.” Paul’s words, honorable, just and commendable, are ways of being honest and having strong moral principles. His words, true and pure, describe being whole and undivided. Our Lenten focus for today is this integrity Paul invites us to live.
Integrity has been described as having our actions match our words. Whew, that can be tough sometimes, can’t it? How often have we said we would do something, and then have forgotten or neglected to do it? (“I’ll pray for you.”) How often have we offered a kindness, but never meant to follow up on it? (“I’ll have you over sometime.”) How often do we tell a slight fib to cover up our mistake? (“Sorry I’m late, but the traffic was backed up” instead of, “I didn’t leave on time.”) Most importantly, how often do we claim to be a follower of Christ, but don’t live as one?
Paul’s words are helpful for us. For the integrity of being honorable, just, or commendable, we can grow as followers of Christ by practicing the things we “have learned and received and heard and seen.” When we “think about these things”- if we hold these beautiful qualities in our hearts- our words and actions may increasingly become more honorable and commendable. Our disciplines of practice and thought will gradually lead to life changes.
The integrity of being true and pure makes me think of the phrase, “what flows in, flows out.” Imagine a dirty bucket with a hole in the bottom. As we keep filling the bucket with clean water, the dirt will eventually be washed away and only clean water will flow out. The more we think about anything that is “excellent or worthy of praise,” the more our actions will reflect these qualities. If we fill ourselves with good things by reading the Bible, asking the Spirit for guidance, and allowing God to work in us, we will pour out the ways and love of Christ. We will live lives that are more genuine, true and pure.
Our reminder symbol for today is salt. Jesus tells us we are the “salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).” Wikipedia notes that the phrase, salt of the earth is “an English phrase referring to a person who is thoroughly decent.” Salt is pure and essential. May salt remind us to live with pure integrity as followers of Christ.
Spirit of God,
At this moment I want to please you. May I have the integrity to always want to please you.
I want to be honorable, just and commendable in your sight. May I consistently be so in all of my words and actions.
I want to be true and pure. May I fill myself only with your good gifts, so that my life will pour out only your pure love. Amen.
Friday, April 7th- Belovedness
Romans 8:38-39 (NRSV)
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
We should know that we are loved by God. Jesus showed us that in unforgettably horrendous and beautiful ways. But I sometimes wonder if I have completely accepted this love. The world seems to show us that we need to prove our worth. We learn that we need to keep up our image and to be successful, attractive, intelligent, or perfect in order to be loved and accepted. So it becomes difficult for us to fully comprehend that we are loved by God- completely, exactly as we are, no matter what.
Our Lenten focus for today is belovedness. How would our lives change if each of us fully embraced the complete, perfect, generous, constant, unfailing, unmerited, boundless love of God for ourselves? How would each of us actually live as a beloved child of God? What would this look like?
As beloved children of God, we would trust in our God who always works for good when we face uncertainty. We would feel Christ’s loving presence when we are lonely. We would gain strength for our weakest moments from our awesome Creator. We would have courage for intimidating times because the Spirit guides us. We would receive comfort and peace in our sadness because our God heals and redeems it all. We would know relief and freedom from our guilt because of the merciful love of Jesus.
We would also know that our loving God rejoices in our successes, delights in our joys, and smiles on us in our laughter. We would cherish our enjoyable, happy times while being fully aware that God is sharing them with us. Our lives would be richer, fuller, and truer. We would live that abundant life Jesus has promised us.
Perhaps the most noticeable change would be revealed by how we treat others. Living as God’s beloved, we would share more generously because we trust God’s provision for us. We would care more sincerely because we comprehend God’s tender care for us. We would love more deeply because we feel God’s abundant love ourselves. We would live more freely because we know God’s redeeming grace is holding us all.
One more thought… A year ago, our daughter Angie adopted a rescue dog that had been severely neglected. Angie loved Opal, not because of her good behavior or perfection, but because Angie wanted to love her and save her. She loved Opal through her wariness, her skittishness, and her misbehavior. Now Opal is perky, happy, and healthy. Opal wants to please Angie. She stands and watches the door for Angie’s return at the end of the day. She remains close to Angie every moment she can. Opal’s pure devotion and her joy of being with her loving rescuer can inspire us all. This is how we can live as beloved children of God.
Our reminder symbol for today is a heart. May it remind us all that we are truly God’s beloved children, and may we live accordingly.
Loving God,
Oh, how you have loved me! Thank you for loving me, despite my unworthiness. Thank you for loving me, even when I can’t comprehend love of this magnitude. Thank you for loving me, even when I fail to live as your beloved child. Help me to fully understand that in Christ Jesus there is nothing that will separate me from your love. May I begin fully living as your beloved child, that others may witness your love through me. Amen.
Simply Soul Searching 