Simply Soul Searching

I’m willing to share my filthy storm door with you because it speaks to my soul today! As you can see in the photo, the window glass looks fine where the sun isn’t directly shining on it. But where the light streams through, you can see all the dirt and fingerprints! Each morning when the sun beams through the door, I tell myself that I have some cleaning to do- until the sun moves on and the door looks fine once again.

Today the storm door is telling me that I need to hold myself up to the light of God’s love and ask God to reveal those things I need to remedy. Sometimes the dirt and grime of sin aren’t obvious unless they are exposed to this light. Whatever I need to clean up or make right, I must do- and not just hope that these issues won’t be noticed under “normal” conditions.

But there is another message.

What I find challenging about window cleaning is that I have to repeat the process several times. I wash the window thoroughly and vigorously until I believe the window is clean. But when the sun shines upon it I still see a few smudges and residue left behind. So I clean again, and then wait for the sunlight to reveal what I’ve missed. Often times it takes me several tries to get a window completely clean. Wash. Watch. Repeat.

The same thing happens when God reveals something I need to do. Perhaps I am to ask for forgiveness. Or seek reconciliation. Or extend kindness and mercy. Or do a sacrificial service for another. And I find that in doing what God asks, I find peace and joy beyond my understanding. But more often than not, a lingering residue remains. A small part of me- the petty part of me- is still smudged and dirty, unpleasing to God… and unsettling for me.

For example, when God moves me to do something gracious and kind, I feel the joy of sharing God’s love. But a smudge of self-righteousness may then appear. When I have sinned and God hears my plea for forgiveness, I feel relieved and cleansed. But often some residue of guilt remains. When God invites me to serve sacrificially, I find peace and camaraderie with Jesus. But a smear of resentment also wants to come along. When God leads me to mercifully forgive someone, I feel obedient and unburdened. But the blemish of a slowly-healing wound may still linger.

I am like the dirty window glass. I must keep placing myself into the light of God. As God reveals the filth I need to clean up, I will get to work. With God’s help, I can begin the major task of the initial cleaning. Then I will come again before God’s light of love, and God will point out, “Well, Karen, you have started well, but you left a little smudge…” Wash. Watch. Repeat.

God’s gift to us in this process is that the revealing light shining on us IS a light of pure love. The awareness of our flaws may be painful and humbling. The cleansing process may be arduous and repetitive. But at each step we are placing ourselves into the holy splendor of the light of God’s love! God’s cleansing light is a warm, gentle, bright, beautiful, illuminating light of LOVE. What could be better? Where else could we find such joy?

God is light and in him there is no darkness at all… If we walk in the light as he himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and… Jesus cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, God who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:5,7-9 NRSV)

Moses has been in my thoughts in recent days. Last week, I was honored and delighted to be called to serve in a part-time ministry position at St. John United Methodist, where I have found my church home here in West Virginia. This past year, like Moses, I had a few “burning bush” moments that eventually led me to this call.

I had been invited to serve as a Sunday school and small group coordinator back in January. Serving in this way refueled my excitement and passion to serve. My plans had been to write a memoir about God’s love for me during my time with cancer, but I began to wonder if I was meant to set this project aside for the present time and serve in ministry once again. I have been given a second chance to live, and I want to do all I can with my life and gifts in gratitude to God.

Then, this past Sunday, Pastor Michael’s sermon message clearly brought this home to me. Using the passage from James 4:13-17, he invited us to consider how- when we realize that life is short and uncertain, when we see that all of life is a gift from God- we are inspired to embrace the abundant life by humbly and obediently sharing our gifts to further God’s kingdom. All of these burning bush moments led me to this new ministry in which I am blessed to serve.

But shortly after I received this call, I attended a meeting where it became apparent that I have MUCH to learn. I don’t know the people and ministries as well as others do. I don’t know all the ways and policies of the Methodist church. I wasn’t aware of all the needs I would be asked to address. I came away from the meeting feeling quite inadequate and overwhelmed. So once again my thoughts turned to Moses during my morning walk yesterday.

I remembered the times when Moses felt inadequate. God always provided. He told God his doubts about his speaking abilities and God supplied Aaron to speak for him. When the Israelites complained to Moses about their hunger, God supplied quail and manna. As long as Moses held up his hands (with the staff of God) while the Israelites were in battle, they were successful. When Moses became weary, Aaron and Hur came to support his arms for him. All along the wilderness way, God provided, sustained and helped Moses and his people.

It came to me that I already have some “Aarons” in my life. I have a supportive and caring pastor and staff. I have dear friends at St. John who have already offered to help me.  I have my loving husband who encourages and helps me in countless ways. Most of all, I have my loving God who will provide and sustain me, too.

We receive a gift in painfully recognizing our inadequacies: we understand how deeply and totally we need God. I know that I will need to entrust myself and my ministry to God, every day. I know I will need to count on others and even call on others to help. I know that ministry is NOT about me or my abilities, but how selflessly, humbly and faithfully I can help ALL of us serve God and one another in loving community.

I walked on, feeling God and Moses working on my heart and soul- blessing me, comforting me, and encouraging me. And then I turned the corner and saw this on the back of a car:

Isn’t God SO good- and funny?! I laughed all the way home. Thank you, God.

And Moses built an altar and called it, The Lord is my banner. (Exodus 17:15)

If someone were to ask me to find the sun, I would immediately look to the sky. But this puddle reminds me that the sun can also be found in unexpected places, such as in the puddle’s reflection. When we are searching for something, how often do we only look in the usual, expected places? The same idea may apply when we are seeking answers or guidance. How often do we only choose from the most obvious or logical options while ignoring a subtler but perhaps better choice?

Earlier this week Jim and I were discussing our discernment and God’s call on our lives. I remembered a few years ago when we were visiting our daughter Jennie and her family in Teays Valley, WV. As we drove around the area, both Jim and I verbally agreed that “it was a nice place, but we wouldn’t want to live here.”

We moved to the Teays Valley area just over a year later!

We were amused to notice that several times our calls seemed to extend directly from our words, “I would never…” or “I wouldn’t want to…” such as our move to West Virginia. We laughed as we recalled those instances in our lives when we ended up doing what we least expected- especially after declaring that we would NOT want to do that very thing!

Certainly I do not have all the answers about discerning God’s will or call in our lives. Sometimes I believe that God has a specific plan in mind for each of us, and if we remain open to the Spirit- listening and watching for God’s movement- God will guide us to the right places. Other times I believe that God’s will for all of us is simply to love and serve God and our neighbor, and we can do that in any number of ways.

But maybe there are those times when the God who calls us is the God who changes our direction and invites us to discover new, subtle, surprising and unexpected places- those possibilities we think we’d rather not explore. I wonder how often I have ignored a call from God; never entertaining the idea because “I would never…” What have I missed because I was unwilling to think or dream in new ways?

What if in this moment one of our “nevers” is actually an invitation from God? How would our lives change if we stopped claiming our “nevers” and began asking God, “What possibilities do YOU have in mind?” Just for today, let’s name one “I would never…” and place that as an offering before God. Let’s give God the freedom to choose what we are to do. Allowing God to lead us into our ‘wrong’ places, we will discover that they are actually our best possibilities, for they become the perfect settings for God to keep perfecting us.  

I have several white canvases stashed in a closet. These were purchased a few years ago- along with a few bottles of paint- when I had this idea of painting a picture that would accent the colorful hues of our bedroom quilt. I bought four canvases so that I could change the pictures with the seasons. I looked at Pinterest to find fun and creative ideas. I purchased some brushes that would help create the right effect.

Two years have passed.

And then this morning during my journal time with God, I was considering what to do with my future. Now that my health is back and we are settled in our new community, I need not hesitate to explore new possibilities or vocations. I asked God what would be the best choices to make, what God would want me to do with my future days. The response I received was surprising and enlightening.

I journaled these words I felt God saying to me:

“Sometimes a blank canvas is intimidating. You hesitate to make the first brush stroke until you have the complete picture in your mind, perhaps even completely sketched out before you. Think of all the canvases you have waiting in your closet. You keep finding ideas, but you haven’t attempted any of them. You don’t want to “waste” a clean canvas by possibly making a mistake. But isn’t the canvas being wasted NOW?

The best art can be created as you go. You make the first brush stroke, and then discover the next space that needs color, depth or dimension. This is your life- your life in me. I will help you create the final canvas, to one day be the complete and lovely picture that I have in mind; one that brings joy, peace or inspiration to those who encounter it. But you need to keep painting. You need to START painting! You especially need to make the first brush stroke on that clean white canvas of new possibilities.

You already envision the theme of your life’s painting- to live in love, to serve me, to bless others, to thrive and to grow. So approach that blank canvas with the bold freedom that comes from knowing I am helping you all the way. I will take your smudge and make a beautiful flower petal. I will take your misplaced brush stroke and blend it into an interesting background. I will take your wrong color choice and add the proper tint for just the right effect. We will work out the details of your painting as we go… one brush stroke at a time.”

I closed my journal and thanked God. I am merely a novice as I create the picture of my life, but I have God as the correcting and redeeming artist all the way. It is time to pick up the paintbrush and begin.

How about you?

We are already halfway through the calendar year- this weekend, we welcome the month of July! This midway point seems to be telling me that it is time to evaluate how I am living my days, especially during my free time. “Free” time isn’t exactly FREE, is it? Yes, free time is free of commitments, obligations, appointments or routines. Yes, free time is an opportunity to freely choose what we would like to do. But since our earthly days are limited, how we spend our free time comes at a cost. Free time not wisely or worthily spent fritters away precious hours of life.

So I am asking questions: Is how I am spending my free time helping me to grow into the best ME, the best person God created me to be? Am I listening for God and being attentive to my soul? Are my free time activities consistent with my personal integrity and wholeness? Am I choosing the better choices over the good? Certainly there are times when we simply need to let our minds and bodies rest as we refrain from anything that requires much thought or effort. But I believe some changes to my free time activities are needed.

July is going to be a month of mindfulness for me. I hope to be more aware of how my free time activities impact my soul and frame of mind. I’d like to notice whether what I do (or say or think) in my free time actually resonates with my well-being or conflicts with it. I’d like to be attentive to the ways of living that feed my soul and also are consistent with whom God calls me to be.

For example, in the past six months, I have “liked” or “loved” lots of political posts on Facebook, and even posted a few of my own. But I recently found that a better choice- one that brought greater satisfaction and peace- was in writing to my senator. I noticed that sharing a Facebook post about the immigration issues felt futile, but donating to Lutheran Immigrant and Refugee Services felt worthwhile and helpful.

Another activity I will evaluate this month is how I unwind in the evenings, when my mind and body are tired. I enjoy watching HGTV. But as Jim and I try to watch our budget and live more simply, does HGTV cause a bit of envy or increase my desire to purchase new items? (Do I really need an open concept with no popcorn ceilings?) Will I feel more content by reading a good book, listening to music, or playing a board game with Jim? Would looking up craft ideas on Pinterest inspire new creative projects for supplies I have on hand? HGTV is not a bad choice, but is there a better one?

When I am waiting for an appointment, sitting on the porch, or stuck in a traffic jam, would it be better to call or text someone that I’m thinking of them, instead of playing Sudoku on my phone? Would praying fill the time AND my soul? Do I while away too many hours with mindlessness? I will be curious to see if I accomplish more, make a greater difference for good, or feel more peaceful this month!

Finally, I’d like to quietly review my day before going to bed. Instead of stressing about tomorrow’s concerns, I plan to talk with God about my day. Did I serve God well? Did I serve others as best I could? Did I tend my spirit? I hope to take a few moments to listen to my body and spirit and evaluate how healthy and whole they feel. Was my free time this day spent in the ways that please God and bring joy to my well-being? I would like to fall asleep being mindful that God loves me and will guide me again tomorrow.

If this month of mindfulness appeals to you- I invite you to join me! Each day, let’s try to evaluate our free time activities and notice what feeds our souls, what contributes to our integrity and spirit, and what brings about greater good. I would love to hear how you feel when August rolls around!

This past Sunday, Pastor Michael used Jesus’ parable of the mustard seed to remind us that God’s kingdom matures in God’s time and through God’s provision. Just as the tiny mustard seed can grow into a tall tree, God can use the smallest acts of faith to further God’s kingdom. As an example, he spoke of our community garden. This past spring, our Sunday school children planted tomato, yellow squash, and green pepper seeds to grow produce for our community food pantry. Through this garden, we hope to bless those in need with fresh vegetables later this summer.

Pastor Michael went on to say that this garden is one example of God’s kingdom coming in God’s time. Months ago, Tom had shared his idea of a community garden with Pastor Mike, but there were a few issues with getting the garden started. Now, these months later, that garden had come to fruition because of a Sunday school lesson and the inspiration that followed.

I smiled sheepishly at my dear Jim, thankful that he loves his whiny wife. Because earlier that morning, I had been grousing about filling water jugs, watering the plants, and keeping watch over the weeds and growing vegetables. As Sunday school coordinator, I have had the oversight of the garden. Jim knows that gardening is not one of my “spiritual gifts.”

The truth is, I have had very little responsibility for the garden. I am so very grateful for those who willingly bore the more difficult work. Dick built the wooden frames. He and Rita completed the exhausting task of filling them with soil. Coni, Tim, Kathy, and other anonymous volunteers help maintain the garden along with the Sunday school children. My role is so insignificant. Usually I don’t mind these tasks, but after a busy week, I was feeling resentful.

As I listened to Pastor Michael’s words, I was ashamed but also inspired. To discover that what I had considered trivial and mundane tasks were part of God’s larger kingdom helped me to see their significance. To hear that these tasks were an answer to prayer gave me a divine purpose for my work. To be reminded that the produce will bless those in need with good food made me ashamed that I had been resentful; I, who am so abundantly blessed but often take my plentiful meals for granted. Is it so much for God to ask me to water or weed twice a week?

We must never forget how our most insignificant tasks, those we consider minutia, the chores we even resent at times, can all be part of a greater good. And perhaps we should be more willing and available to stretch a bit, to take on a task we’d “rather not do” – for that task might just be a divine appointment that has come our way.

The idea that I am serving a greater good, a higher purpose, an answer to prayer, and a fulfillment of kingdom living, makes filling water jugs and checking the garden such a small role to play. Today I thank God for yet another humbling moment; a reminder of my short-sighted pettiness- and God’s incredible goodness.

Pastor Michael’s sermon message may be viewed at St. John United Methodist’s website: sjumcwv.org.  “The Seeds of Innovation“

When Jim and I planned to move to West Virginia, we looked online at houses to rent. We found a cute bungalow that seemed perfect for us, as we looked at the pictures of quaint rooms and a nice yard. The next time we visited the area, we drove by “our” house. The house may have been cute, but it was nestled between two dilapidated buildings with construction all around. The pictures didn’t show us the whole story!

Good photographers know how to adjust their camera lenses according to the “story” they hope to convey. With their artistry, they are able to offer us an image of perfect beauty, tell a realistic story of life, capture an exquisite moment, or offer a close-up view and perspective on ordinary subjects.

I’m thinking that our faith helps us to adjust our lenses in order to capture the best parts of our everyday lives. God guides our aperture so that we can let in more light, focus on the beauty, or see a truer, clearer vision of our moments.

When we become overwhelmed, discouraged or downhearted by the picture of our life before us, we can use our faith-lens to ‘zoom in’ on unexpected treasures while cropping the dismal or daunting background. Find the lesson learned in a difficult time. Look to the caring friend who comforts us in our sorrow. Revisit a treasured memory amid a mundane routine. Enjoy a good laugh at our mistakes. Notice a revelation of God’s love at an unexpected moment. Our lens can help us more clearly see the individual blessings tucked within the larger picture.

Or we can use our lens to ‘zoom out’ our focus to encompass a more complete and realistic story when we need to be mindful. Learn the compelling background that helps us understand a person’s behavior. Envision the infinite glorious eternal life when enduring a day of grief or pain. Take in a wider vision that includes others when we are too focused on ourselves. Review the past moments of God’s love in our lives when we are fearful about today. Our lens can help us back away from the narrow vision of our troubles or ourselves to see our potential in God’s greater picture.

God has the eye of an artist. God adjusts our lenses to draw our focus on the light amid the darkness, the lovely amid the ordinary, and the truth amid the pretense. God helps us to notice and record what God would want us to observe and to share, as we keep snapshots of moments in our memory. With God helping us to focus where we should, we can find the hope, the joy, and the proper perspective for each day of our lives.

(I shared this with my Facebook friends… thought my blog readers might appreciate  reading this, too!)

There was a strong breeze on my walk this afternoon. I was becoming slightly annoyed that my hair kept blowing in my face, until I thought, “Wait… my HAIR is annoying me!”

My hair is finally long enough to annoy me after losing it to chemo three years ago. Suddenly I was grateful for this “annoyance” and grateful I am alive to be annoyed! I’m thanking God for all of life’s little annoyances today.

Still working on mosquitoes. 

Last week I found a pile of dried grass and twigs on our front porch. Looking up, I could see where a bird had attempted to build a nest on our porch light. The lamp does not have a flat base so most of the grass had fallen through. I pulled the few remaining grasses off the lamp and swept the pile away.

Since then, each morning I find more grass on the porch with just a few straggles left on the lamp. Had the bird tried to build the nest on a window sill or our back porch light, I wouldn’t have been as concerned. Our entryway is just not a good place for the nest, so I have been sweeping and removing all week.  And every day, the silly bird comes back!

I have gone from admiring the bird’s beautiful perseverance to shaking my head at the bird’s stubborn foolishness. When does perseverance become a stubborn, silly struggle in futility? This morning I wanted to ask the bird, “Do you realize how foolish you are being, how futile this is?”

Then I realized that the bird could ask me the very same question! 😀

On my regular walking path I have noticed a small rusted washer on the pavement for quite some time. A few days ago, I was prompted to pick it up. Although I am one to pick up pennies, I didn’t have any reason for choosing this washer. But I had been listening to Harry Chapin’s music in recent weeks, and his song, “All My Life’s a Circle” has been in my heart. So I felt that maybe God was using this washer to remind me that my life IS a circle- of “sunrises and sundowns,” seasons and years, beginnings and endings, and even deaths and resurrections.

In addition, since last Sunday Pr. Michael’s message has been “circling” in my thoughts and heart. Our Bible passage was from Luke 24, in which we learn how the disciples were lost, disappointed and confused; all of their hopes and dreams for Jesus to redeem the people of Israel seemed to have died with Jesus. Pr. Michael explained, “With Jesus’ death, all hope for redemption was lost and Jesus’ followers were forced to redefine redemption and their role in God’s kingdom.” These words have resonated with me. How often do we endure a death of some kind? And following that death, how often do we need to “redefine redemption and our role in God’s kingdom?”

In our daily living, we will encounter deaths quite often. Not only will we endure deaths of precious loved ones, but we also experience the deaths of our dreams, careers, expectations, health, relationships, youth… With each painful death comes grief and heartache. However, God continually brings us full circle by redeeming and resurrecting new life after each death. With each new life, we find a deeper meaning of redemption and resurrection, and we learn to redefine our roles in God’s kingdom as well.

Pastor Michael later told me, “I believe that redemption and our role in God’s kingdom is a never ending process.   However, sometimes we make it a one time event and leave it there.  Exciting to think that we serve a God who continually molds and shapes (redeems) us for greater work in the Kingdom!” Yes! The circle always keeps going…

After I had finally plucked that washer from the pavement, I was surprised to find a smaller one the next day- in nearly the same place! The message for me seemed to be that we are always redeemed and resurrected but perhaps not for the reasons we think we are. We have been given new life- but we find it is not the one we anticipated or are accustomed to living. Sometimes our roles are diminished. I was resurrected after my time with cancer, but I wasn’t able to continue the ministry I had relished. I have found new life here in West Virginia, serving others where I can and helping in smaller ministry roles.

My blog was going to end here. But today I found this large “washer” type disc! Once again God surprised me with an additional message. Sometimes our redemption and role in God’s kingdom is more than we could ever dream or imagine! Jesus was resurrected but he wasn’t the same. With his new life he was able to give us his Spirit and equip us to do even greater works than he (John 14:12).

“All My Life’s a Circle…” In all of our seasons and circles of life, God is redeeming and resurrecting us to new life and new roles in God’s kingdom.  Every winter circles back to spring because of God’s redeeming love. Every dark night circles back to the light of a fresh, new morning because of God’s restorative grace. Every painful death circles forward to new life because of God’s resurrecting power.

The lesson for me in these rusty washers is this. After every death and resurrection, my newly redeemed and resurrected life may not- no, will not- look the same. But as I redefine my new role in God’s kingdom, may my only wish be that I live and serve in the ways that are most useful to God. May my new life be less about what I do, and more about what God can do through me, no matter the size of my role.

What size washer might I find tomorrow? I imagine it will be the perfect size for me.  🙂