Simply Soul Searching

Two things happened on Saturday that turned me into a riled-up Mama Bear. First, I learned of the thousands of white supremacists gathered in Charlottesville and the heartbreaking tragedies that resulted.  Second, I learned that my son’s car broke down as he and his husband traveled across country. My fear for their safety far outweighed my concern for their financial burden and inconvenience. I had to distract myself from the unbearable thought that someone would attack them- simply for being who they are.

Along with our four children, Jim and I have loved and “adopted” many other young people over the years. On Sunday, this Mama Bear cried tears of frustrated anger for all of our precious ones- young people of different races, faiths, cultures, orientations, and genders. I cried for the way many of them bravely and compassionately stand up for justice and equality, even as they put themselves in danger. I cried for all the ways my heart hurts and worries about them in this world of judgment, discrimination and hatred. I cried tears of anger that our country is regressing and dividing, instead of progressing and growing in unity.

Fierce and defensive Mama Bear had taken over my gentle and contemplative soul. I looked at the photos of the men carrying hate-filled banners, yelling racist slurs, beating people, and then one man driving his car into the crowd. My heart breaking, I knew with certainty this one thing: I hate them. I hate ALL of those white supremacists.

And so I’m no better than they are.

When I begin seeing individuals as a group, when I forget they are all people loved by God, when I disregard their names and personal stories- I become one of them. When I label them as vicious, racist, bigoted people- I am as judgmental as they are. When I don’t stop to learn why they feel compelled to be part of this group, I am as one-sided as they might be. When I justify myself by saying that surely Jesus is sad and dismayed by this group, I’m forgetting that Jesus is also sad and dismayed with ME. I am part of the problem.

As a follower of Jesus, I AM called to stand up to injustice, to protect the freedoms of everyone, and to help the oppressed. But I am called to first examine how my life is contributing to these problems (even by my silence).

I AM called to try to transform hearts one at a time into loving vessels. But I am called to do this with my own transformed, loving heart.

I AM called to stand firmly against policies, attitudes and behaviors that hinder or harm others. But I am called to stand firmly with the strength of a loving and peaceful countenance.

I AM called to defend other lives. But I am called to freely and lovingly give my own life away.

Jim and I went with our daughter to a candlelight vigil for Charlottesville last Sunday night. At one point we were invited to greet one another with the words, “You are loved.” Tears and hugs flowed freely. As I held my candle, I said a silent prayer that this love would become more visible, beginning with me. I prayed that God would transform this Mama Bear into a courageous Mom. A human woman who works for healing and justice, carrying only a banner of light and love.

Yesterday I spent hours at my computer, trying to write a new blog and make progress on my book. I became frustrated and discouraged when I had nothing to show for my efforts at the end of the day. My feelings ranged from my guilt that I had wasted time, to my regret for another day gone with no real accomplishment, to my urgency that life is too short, and to my inadequacy as a writer.

There are so many times when our efforts do not seem to make a visible difference. We eat healthy diets but don’t lose weight. We do a kindness that goes unnoticed or  unappreciated. We pick up after young children, only to have new messes again and again. We lovingly make cookies to share but accidentally burn them. We pray to be a better, God-pleasing person and then falter- every day. We ponder an inspiration but are unable to glean and write the message in it.

This morning I am reminded that this life is an opportunity for God to do so much inner work in us. Maybe God was allowing me to wallow and falter to teach me that I can’t just keep pushing ahead; that I also need to be still and listen, to allow God’s work and timing. Maybe God is revealing that my need to have something to show for my efforts comes from my prideful ego. Maybe God will even use my frustration to strengthen my perseverance.

God is healing, teaching, admonishing, developing, and perfecting us in every moment. The inner work may not be visible to us, but God sees it all. Perhaps our biggest lesson in having “nothing to show” is that we may deepen in humility. We begin to more fully understand and appreciate how our worth only comes from God’s love for us, and not through anything we do.

And how, with the help of God, yesterday’s stagnation can now become today’s story.

I sang all the way home (from Toledo to Hurricane) earlier this week. I had just received the great news that I’m still in good health, with no signs of cancer! What a gift this is- to have these bonus days of life and health- and all the blessings to enjoy because of these. Jim posted his gratitude on Facebook, and we have been touched by all of the supportive comments and happiness shared by our dear friends and family.

In sharing our good news with others, we have heard the beautiful words, “God is good!” YES, God IS good, so very good. I am thankful to God for my life and health. I am thankful for the prayers of others. To know that I am being covered in prayer has helped me remain strong and hopeful. I do thank God, every day, for being so good to me.

But this is where I become uncomfortable and wonder… how often do we remember that “God is good” but forget the “all the time” part? I wonder for two reasons:

I wonder if we believe that this week God is good because God has given me health. I am no worthier than anyone else. In fact, if anything, I feel less worthy of life simply because of my age. Why should I get to live while an innocent, beloved child dies? I hope we remember the “all the time” in God’s love- that God’s love is a constant, unconditional love for everyone. God loves everyone equally and totally.

I also wonder if we forget that God is good, all the time… and anyway… and even if. Even if my cancer returns, God is good. Even if I end up suffering, God is good. God is only and always good! God makes good come from everything. In the end, I will still gain eternity, I will have lived this blessed life, I will have enjoyed the gifts of this precious creation and dear ones to love. God is good, but God is good all the time, and in all circumstances.

God is only goodness; God is only love and joy and peace and hope. No matter what life brings, God loves all of us completely. So, my friends, if one day my cancer should return, I want to continue saying, “God is good!” I hope you will, too.

God is good. So very good. All the time.

I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”  ~Isaiah 43:19

On March 13th, I copied this passage from Isaiah into my journal. At that time, Jim and I had become settled into our new home and new ways of living in Hurricane, WV. We were feeling fortunate with the many blessings we had found in our new neighborhood friends, in our new church community, and in our new opportunities to work and serve here. In my journal entry, I expressed my happiness and contentment with the way life was coming together. I felt that, with life in place, I was now ready to serve God in a new way.

I continued to write what I felt God was asking me that day: “Where will you go from here? Spring is around the corner- how will you blossom in a new way? What courageous new adventure will you undertake with this new life- the one I have restored, redeemed and resurrected? I am about to do a new thing. Do you not perceive it?” (I wrote “WOW!” after that entry; the words I’d received surprised me!)

Since then, I have kept the Isaiah passage on an index card at my writing desk. I have been trying to be attentive; to listen and discern any new things God may be calling me to do. But as time has passed, I have questioned if these words were truly of God after all. Could this passage be merely wishful thinking on my part?

So in my journal time with God earlier this week, I felt God was saying,

“You continue to feel this inner calling to something bigger. The message at church yesterday was about making a difference in the world. An inner spark is glowing within your soul, but you are uncertain it will ever flame into an outer light of goodness. Sometimes you even wonder if you’re deluding yourself, as time passes and you doubt your skills and stamina…

Is it your pride that leads you to wonder if you’re missing my purpose for you? Is it your impatience that prevents you from allowing my work to be done in you? Is it your doubt that questions whether these words from Isaiah came from me for you?

Perhaps your ‘new thing’ is to surrender your pride, your impatience and your doubt.”

I had to think some more about these challenging words on my morning walk! And on the way home, I heard this passage in a different way: “I am about to do a new thing. I didn’t say a BIG thing. I only said a NEW thing!”

Has my prideful dream of doing something memorable kept me from seeing the good I might do with small opportunities? Has my impatient need for progress or results kept me from remaining open to God’s work? Has my doubt about God’s active word in my life kept me from hearing more from God?

God does amazing things. Perhaps one day God may do something new- maybe even something big- through me. But for now, it seems I should allow God to continue revealing and removing my pride, impatience and doubt. Then I can simply trust that God is doing a new thing in me.

“I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”

We came across the old clown as we were cleaning out our storage unit. Kevin and I laughed at the memory from years ago. He was just a little guy, maybe three or four years old. We were enjoying the craft time at our favorite campground, and young Kevin chose the ceramic clown as his painting project.

He quickly painted the ENTIRE clown a vibrant green- and then became dismayed at the result! This didn’t look like the clown he’d envisioned. I offered to repaint it and he seemed relieved by that. Soon I had the clown painted in different colors, “appropriate” colors, and well, it looked more like a clown. Kevin burst into tears. HE wanted to be the one to paint his clown! I reluctantly handed it back to him and watched as he hurriedly repainted the clown. Green. And he promptly burst into tears once again when it didn’t look like a clown.

This painting process was repeated several more times, much to the amusement of his older sisters. The clown was layered in green, multi-colors, green, multi-colors… with tears and frustration all along the way. Both Kevin and I became irritated, and since craft time was nearing the end, I finally refused to give it back to him for repainting. The clown has looked like the photo, an “appropriate” clown, for years.

Kevin never did like the clown; he never did find joy in remembering our time together that day.

Looking back, I wish that I would have simply encouraged him to keep the clown green. Even when he was sad that his clown didn’t look like a clown, I wish I would have pointed out the beauty of the green, the skills of his handiwork, and the uniqueness of his art. The green clown may have then become a treasured memory for him. I wonder if the green clown could have provided lessons for the two of us… lessons of learning to appreciate diversity, to see beyond our norms, to simply enjoy our craft, and to notice beauty in unexpected places.

God has created all of us to be our unique, diverse, perhaps out-of-the-ordinary selves. I wonder if we disappoint God when we choose to blend in, or follow the crowd, or be “appropriate.” I wonder if God is sad when we worry too much about our image, or when we allow others to dictate how we present ourselves. Perhaps God hopes that we would discern and discover our true selves, the way God envisions us. When we do, we might also discover the joy in diversity, the expansiveness of our nature, the gifts in our unique craftsmanship… and the beauty in everyone.

When I consider the grace of God, I usually think of the merciful, forgiving, generous love of God freely shared with my sinful, imperfect self. But on Sunday, Pastor Mike* reminded me of another grace: God’s sanctifying grace. We are already loved by God, and we never will be perfect. But the sanctifying grace of God continues to work on us; this grace draws us closer to God’s ways and will, helps us to grow as followers of Christ, and works to perfect us in every way. We are actually freed in a new way when we embrace the insightful, challenging, revealing, humbling, and sometimes painful corrections and callings of God.

These days I sense that God is challenging me to simply do the next right thing. The next good thing. No matter what. I am called to do what good I can, but entrust the results to God. This challenges me because I want to know that any of my kind words or generous actions are actually making a difference! If I am honest, it seems that I’d like to be rewarded in some way for any good I am able to do. Even if the reward is just to see what good I may have done, the small difference I may have made. So I sense God is asking me to surrender my need to see results and my need to know I’ve made a difference, and to simply do good… for goodness’ sake.

I am called to…

– speak up for the oppressed even if no one seems to hear me

– nourish and care for my body as God’s temple even if I can’t guarantee my longevity

– apologize for my shortcomings, even if my words are not accepted or understood

– keep writing my book about God’s love in my life, even if I never complete it

– feed my hungry neighbor even if I can’t feed the world

– foster peace in my relationships even if I can’t put an end to war

I am called to do these things, just because they are the right, good, and faithful things to do. I am called to obediently and humbly welcome God’s sanctifying grace and to keep allowing God to instruct and teach me. I am called to surrender my need for results, recognition or reward. I am called to simply do good for goodness’ sake.

For God’s sake.

* You can hear this inspirational sermon message about grace at the St. John website: http://www.sjumcwv.org/media; “It’s All About Grace,” June 25th, 2017. Read Romans 6:12-23 for the Bible passage. The actual message begins at 13:47.

I know that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it; God has done this, so that all should stand in awe before him. ~Ecclesiastes 3:14 

Sometimes when I look into the night sky to see the amazing universe, the vast darkness dotted with infinite stars and planets, a sense of fear and trembling overwhelms me. I feel so tiny and insignificant. I realize that my limited mind will never be able to comprehend all of this. The hugeness of creation, the infinite span of time and eternity, and all of the incredible energies and mysteries that surround me create this profound humility. This is awe. Our God IS an awesome God.

The same feeling happens when I am standing on a mountaintop overlooking the vista before me. This happens when I am in a valley, too, as I see the grandeur with a new perspective. Awe comes as I watch the ocean with its waves rolling in, and I consider its depths, its creatures, and its power. Sunrises and sunsets. Thunder and lightening. The birth of a baby.  When I could almost tremble with fear at the magnificence of God and the smallness of me, I know that I am feeling awe-struck.

When I then consider that God’s love is also boundless, overwhelming, infinite, and beyond our comprehension, I again am filled with awe. I feel insignificant, and yet, here I am, a child of God, created by God. I am loved by this God who loves me beyond all I can imagine.

We ALL are loved with the infinite, incredible love of God. We just can’t take it all in, even though we see glimpses of God’s love all the time. Our worldly cares and burdens, our griefs and our fears, even our darkest moments will one day become so insignificant in the light of God’s love and our eternity. So as Jesus reassured us throughout the gospels that we shouldn’t fear or worry, that he will be with us always, and that all will be redeemed for good, we can know we are loved beyond our comprehension. We can stand in joy- and awe- of this love from our incredible, amazing God.

A few construction workers were pouring a new driveway for us. They were diligently working in the hot sun, and I knew they could use some refreshing beverages. The first time I offered to get them something to drink, they politely declined. But the second time, I actually took a few bottles of icy water and soda with me. As I held them out and offered them again, their faces lit up and they happily took them to enjoy.

What made the difference? Perhaps they simply couldn’t refuse the chilly bottles of refreshing, bubbly soda beckoning them to drink (just like a commercial)! But I think they were swayed because they understood that I really meant what I said- I was happy to share a beverage with them. Add to that the awareness that, well, the bottles were right in front of them, so they “might as well take them since she’s brought them right to us.”

Isn’t this what God did with Jesus? Since creation, God had tried to show us that God’s love is for all of us, that God’s love is all around us, that God’s love is even within us. God showed this love through creation and stories and mysteries. Most of the world declined to partake. So God said, “I really mean it!” and brought us that love through Jesus. Right here on this earth, for us to witness ourselves. Right here for us to gratefully accept. Right here, promising us that he will never leave us. Right here within us now. God did this in the hopes that we will all say, “Might as well take this love shown and shared through Jesus, since God brought him right to us!”

Yet, as freely as God offers this gift of love, there are still many who are unaware that this is is being offered to them. Life hasn’t given them many opportunities to see the loving face of Christ in a helpful stranger, to understand the unwavering love of Christ through a nurturing mentor, or to feel the healing love of Christ from a steadfast friend. How might we become any of these in order to make Jesus’ presence known more readily?

May we live each day with such refreshing, visible love that people will be drawn to it and recognize their thirst for it. May we love so genuinely that people will know we really mean it. May we live so generously and graciously that people will see God’s love so freely offered and say, “There is the love of Christ, right here, for me- might as well take it!”

We have had lots of rain here in Hurricane. These days I take my walks between the showers! On one of these recent walks, I was delighted to see a little pink umbrella cast aside under a tree. I could picture a young girl freely abandoning her umbrella and joyfully dancing in the rain. The inverted umbrella had collected the rain water, thus providing a refreshing bath for birds and a watering hole for animals. My soul was uplifted by the simple blessings found in that scene.

God showers blessing after blessing upon us. But I wonder how often we huddle under our umbrellas and keep moving forward, bent on reaching our destinations with our images unscathed and our dignity intact, all the while remaining quite unaware of what we are missing.

We cling to our umbrellas of security and miss the blessings of generosity. We hold high our umbrellas of pride and miss the blessings of humility. We huddle under our umbrellas of protection and miss the blessings of adventure.  We hunker under the umbrellas of self-importance and miss the blessings of community. We hurriedly grab the umbrellas of convenience and miss the blessings of possibility. We hide under the umbrellas of image, and miss the blessings of authenticity. We shudder under umbrellas of regret and miss the blessings of forgiveness. We shelter under our umbrellas of self-reliance and miss the blessings of our desperate need for God. We miss out on so many gracious gifts because we are afraid to let go and abandon ourselves to them.

In those moments when we can find the courage and the faith to drop our chosen umbrellas, we can discover so many riches in the raindrops. We receive the sheer bliss of abandoning ourselves to God’s generously flowing love. We open ourselves to receive the perfect gifts God chooses for us, instead of cautiously choosing what we think we need. We are refreshed and renewed by the simple delight of dancing in the raindrops of God’s infinite goodness.

We also find that our inverted umbrellas will gather and hold these same gifts for others to partake and enjoy. There are enough blessings to share with everyone. Our discarded umbrellas of protection will instead become overflowing receptacles of these same bountiful gifts of God- for all who wish to join us in the dance.

When our daughter married, we not only gained a great son-in-law, we also gained 3 wonderful grandsons. It has been a pleasure getting to know them; a true joy to love them. The other day I was taking them home after school. One of the boys said something funny, and all of us began laughing- so hard that one worried that “snot would come out of his nose!”

The joy of that laughter will always be a treasured memory. But it also showed me how far we’ve come. The boys and I now trust one another enough to let go of our reserved demeanor. We are comfortable enough to laugh- ridiculously and loudly. Our relationship deepened that day. I know we are now more genuinely connected and relaxed with one another.

God gives me lots of reasons to laugh, and I hope the laughter is mutual. I hope that, even as I regard God with awe and majesty, my relationship with God is also intimate, relaxed, honest and free. I hope that I bring God joy with my foibles and silliness. I hope that God laughed with me on a morning walk a few months ago…

My walks are mindful times when I especially try to remain attentive to God and aware of any ways God may be working in or around me. I start to consider almost anything that catches my attention to be a source of inspiration or a possible message! But sometimes I wonder if God thinks I am trying too hard; that my efforts to glean inspiration are more about MY needs and not God’s.

On this particular morning, I saw what appeared to be a black tee shirt heaped in a lump on the sidewalk. I noticed some white lettering as I passed by, and I wondered if this might be a new message! Just for ME, from God! I turned back to get a closer look. I didn’t want to appear foolish, so I planned to pick up the shirt and hang it on a railing. Perhaps this would help the owner find it, but also give me a chance to discreetly read God’s word for me.

So I picked up the shirt, only to discover… it wasn’t a shirt. It was a pair of men’s black undershorts. The special word of inspiration God had for me? “Hanes.” Embarrassed, I quickly dropped the underwear. (Besides, I wasn’t sure anyone would appreciate seeing his underwear on display.)

I was gently and humorously reminded that everything isn’t always about me. I like to imagine God laughing at the joke on me! I know I did! And perhaps our silly little moment together deepened my intimacy with God, too. I don’t have to be dignified and reverent to be with God, and God can be silly with me. I believe that the Underwear Incident of 2017 served us both quite well.

PS: the image is not the actual black underwear. I still have a bit of dignity. 😀